Tomorrow… next time… later.

in other words… NEVER!

This is something that I really wanted to share with you from my own personal experience.

The other night I went out with the crew. It was very a quiet night a bunch of dudes at the bar and an empty dancefloor. Only girls in the place I passed as I walked inside they were having a cigarette.

Literally ONE STEP in the door I assess the situation…

I can either:

A) GO inside, scope for more girls if there are any, if not chat to my buddies about how chode the venue is until we slide off back home.

B) Just GO.

The time is now champ.

BOOM i turn and hit up the girls outside… “wow the club is WACK tonight!” they giggle and start asking questions about me.

ME: “Stop all the questionss damn we are in a club lets make the most of it!”

They pull me to the empty dancefloor and all three start grinding me like a music video… lovely.

Now the cutest one is going for it, we are chatting and she is totally comfortable with me grabbing her and putting my arm around her.

Its GOING DOWN with us TONIGHT.

I guess my overarching natural frame these days is this (in order):

- I am amusing myself (in a fun chill totally comfortable and relaxed way)
- If there are girls in my reach ill grab them (for my amusement)
- Then I see if ***I*** want to pursue them further
- If yes then I let a girl know CLEARLY its GOING DOWN with us TONIGHT (all in the amusing cool atmosphere)
- Ramp it up sexually
- Leave to home

(keep in mind there is a LOT going on under each of these points)

No tricks, no rubbish, just pure fun in my world - and oh girls can join in too!

Anyway so my firends are leaving and I have the girl LOCKED DOWN TO GO. If I just grab her and walk out its over fun times for both of us.

My friend comes up “We gotta go”. SO instead i get her number and leave. She looks sad and confused. In my mind ill just call her and get her later or get a new girl tomorrow or something.

Ummmmm WHAT?! bzzzzzt WRONG TIM.

You have been in this situation 100 times.

This was a challenge I had quite a while ago - the girls are DOWN but i put it off till later for whatever reason and then REGRET it later.

So in the car the girl is texting me flat out but can’t come with me tonight now because her friends won’t drive her.

LESSON LEARNED (again).

DO it now!

No more of this “oh will get it later, tomorrow, next time” rubbish!
It’s bad for me AND the poor girl.

It’s because Im coming from such an abundance mindset, I know I can get another girl later if I want.

Very silly.

This is a reminder to YOU.
Why go to all that effort and fun times without finishing it off ?

Do it now !

Tomorrow… next time… later - does not exist.

Virginia Satir once said that the most basic human instinct is not toward survival, but toward the familiar. In other words, the thing that we are most likely to do is rarely concerned with our survival (or procreation). It’s just the thing we are most comfortable doing.

People are constantly repeating the same patterns in their lives. Everyone knows the woman who consistently complains about how she always dates jerks – and then she complains about how the new guy she likes is a jerk. People self-sabotage. They get really close to what they want, only to find some way to trip themselves up. This happens because it’s more comfortable for them to stay doing what they have always done.

To dedicate yourself whole-heartedly to something and fail means that you have to see yourself as a failure (at least in that moment). Most people are not strong enough to do that. But, fear of failure is only one side of the coin when it comes to self-sabotage – the other side of the coin is fear of success.

Fear of success is the fear of actually getting what you want and having to de-identify yourself as a guy who is unsuccessful. Most people are very attached to their current situation. They have integrated their reality, and the idea that they could actually get what they want means that they have to kill their attachments to their core identity. They are more comfortable with the idea of struggling than they are with actually becoming successful and having to stop complaining about their lack of success.

Think about it. If you were to become successful, that would upset the delicate balance of your life. If you were to have the level of success with women that you really want – not be some random guy on the internet – your life would change. You would change. If you get a bunch of one night stands then you are going to sleep a lot less. If you get a girlfriend your time on the weekends will stop being your own and you will have to integrate a new person into your life. So, it can be easier and more comfortable for guys just to sabotage themselves subconsciously and continue to struggle.

Some of the ways I see guys sabotage themselves in field is abandoning the interaction early, not getting a woman’s number every time they’ve been talking for over 25 minutes, not trying to move the woman around the venue, not trying to make out with every woman, not calling their numbers and trying to do dates, not pushing to get women back to their place, not qualifying, not hitting on the woman, not going back into groups that were no-gos, etc.

One of the most important things that you can do when it comes to self development is to determine what your specific negative patterns are and start breaking them. If you don’t go out every night – and you don’t have the sex life you want – then you need to start going out. Make an agreement with yourself that you will go out every night until you have the sex life you want. Now going out doesn’t necessarily mean that you are actively trying to pick up women every night. It could mean that you make the choice to go on a date instead of staying home and sleeping or you set up a date off the internet. But the main idea is that you need to try something different.

One of my favorite comedies of the last couple of years was “The 40 Year Old Virgin.” And one of the best game-related quotes I have ever heard in a movie comes when Andy is telling his friend that talking to women in the bar just doesn’t feel right. Jay says “What has felt right for you doesn’t work! You need to try some wrong.”

Sometimes what is right for us and brings us closer to what we actually want will feel wrong and uncomfortable. We have to push through that discomfort and have faith that what we are doing is bringing us closer to who we ultimately want to be.

Once you make the decision that something has to change in your life, break the cycle you are currently in by taking massive action.

I was in the game once, I was good.

Glory times- Cockfarm Lounge. 2 stunners walk in – a 9 and a 10, hairdresser/models. With them, 2 Abercrombie-jawed model-douches, just as you’d expect- except this time the cards have been shuffled and I’m holding the ace. I approach the 10- damn she’s even hotter up close. Blonde, green eyes, Victoria Secret body. No need for ninja group-theory here, the guys are indifferent, anticipating the impending blow-out- but it never comes. Plough, stack, tease, spike- isolation. Abercrombie and Fitch are confused, what the fuck is going on- send 9 friend to bring the 10 back. Sorry guys- spike- 10 is going nowhere. Her eyes dart around- she’s wondering if I’m a good kisser- I am. Her phone rings, it’s Fitch calling from 10 feet away- give it up mate, you’ve been outgunned, no shame in losing to the best, thanks for playing.

And there were others- strippers and models pulled to rooftops and coat rooms.

It’s easy to forget the hundreds upon hundreds of stalls and blowouts that predicated the glory times- and that my enthusiastic bounce-backs from failure paved the way for my pinnacle successes.

Fatigue – the excitement is lost. Entitlement creeps in, “Doesn’t she know who I am??”, “I’m better than this”, ”I’m too old for this”, ”I just can’t be arsed”, ”back in my day I woulda owned that girl”.

Lost enthusiasm stifles evolution – experience replaces excitement, results in plateau. We try to recapture the phoenix, occasionally we find nimbus and pull.

And we come full circle – needing permission to pimp. When learning pick-up, the single biggest step you can make is giving yourself permission to pimp – to lord, realizing you are the shit. RSD can give you temporary permission, situational confidence like a birthday can do the same, but ultimately the lord mentality will need to sink in on an identity level.

For some of us, it does. We get cocky, and rightfully so. We pull strippers and models to rooftops and coat rooms. Results build confidence.

And then the ego. You tell yourself you’re a pimp. Your friends tell you you’re a pimp. You are a pimp, “gaming is for chodes”. You still pull, but the success justifies the ego and the process-enjoyment is lost.

You learn to fake it, to compensate for it - but the better your compensation gets the more your inward spiral continues. Whereas in the beginning good results actually made way for better results – now good results proceed a crash, and failure becomes a necessary catalyst for achievement.

And of course you can still pimp on birthdays, on special occasion – when you give yourself permission to have fun and be money. When you’ve got just the right balance of vodka and redbull.

And you’ve come full circle.

Or you can break the cycle. Give yourself permission to have fun, to enjoy the process. Tell your ego it’s not serving you and bid it farewell.

Think about how you want to live your life. Do you value giving value in itself as an end? Can you?

Do your emotions serve you or are you victim to their whims?

Take the reigns. Design the lifestyle you want. Let the party begin, give yourself permission. Be the fucking party! You know how, now do it! Really!

Go out, have fun. Approach the FIRST girl you see, tell her she’s fucking beautiful. Give her friend a high-five. Smile, let the game flow freely. It’s in there, believe me, it’s begging to come out.

Party on- we’re not the weathered prize-fighter – we’re yet to reach our prime.

Party on.

It’s book review time again, and this time: Michael Jordan, Driven from Within. I was pretty skeptical at first … the book’s very decorous, which is a nice way of saying, it’s largely a picture book. And it has a ghost writer too, which is normally a bad sign.

Having read it, I can say it was truly life-changing. Some of the philosophies espoused in the book are totally paradigm shifting, and seem to come back to me at the most opportune moments.

The book’s written from several perspectives - interviews with the man himself, interviews with his family and people he worked with. It also charts the development of his sneaker brand.

Overcoming Tricks of the Mind

Many of the themes are repeated over and over, one of the most powerful for me being the idea of overcoming adversity using your creativity, rather than letting it get you down:

I remember being at the gym with Michael, and there was this businessman, very successful. He wanted to get back in shape, and he’s laying on the board doing some inverted situps. The guy starts talking about how he’s getrting cramps, and he stops. Michael tells him he has to find a wsay to get past the pain if he really wants to get back in to shape. The guy walks around a little while, comes back, and finally does another set - The mind will play tricks on you.

The mind was telling you that you couldn’t go any further. The mind was telling you how much it hurt. The mind was telling you these things to keep you from reaching your goal. But you have to see past that, turn it all of if you are going to get where you want to be.

Earning What You Want

The entire first chapter is called “Earned”, and it’s another big theme running through the book:

“Players who practice hard when no-one is watching generally play well when everyone is watching”

He talks a lot about greatness. My favourite definition? Greatness is your opponents knowing the have to do their best, when all you’re doing is expressing yourself in the moment, never having to think abuot lifting your game or trying harder - because you’re firing on all cylinders from the core.

No Fear of Failure

Again, best explained by a quote from the book:

There was never any fear for me, no fear of failure. If I miss a shot, so what? You either make it, or you miss it. I could think that way because I knew I have earned the opportunity to take that shot. I had put in all the work, not only in that particular game, but in practice every day. If I missed, then it wasn’t meant to be. There’s no stress in losing under those circumstances - it just wasn’t meant to be.

I was as prepared as I could possible have been for that mooment. I couldn’t go back and practice a little harder.

If you know you haven’t prepared correctly, or you know you haven’t worked hard enough, that’s when the other thoughts and emotions creep in to your mind. That’s stress. That’s fear.

It’s the same process for doing anything, anywhere in life no matter how big or small the stage. Whether it’s running a corporation, taking a test in second grade, or taking a shot to win a game, at that moment you are the sum total of all the work you have put in, nothing more and nothing less. If you are confident you have done everytyhing possible to prepare yourself, then there is nothing to fear.

Nobody wants to be cast as “selfish”, do they? Of course not. Yet, the truth is that if you didn’t spend considerable time attending to your own needs and wants, you would be in no condition to make a philanthropic dent on society, would you?

Anyone who has ever bought a commercial airline ticket and used it has heard a flight attendant’s pitch to deploy one’s own oxygen mask before assisting the young guns. Oh yeah, and “breathe normally” while doing so, will you?

Even Mother Theresa was really doing what she most wanted to in life. And she also fed her own face every once in a while too, I’m sure.

What I’m getting at here is that I’ve been hearing a lot from guys lately who are having a common problem. Essentially, the issue seems to surround wanting to “not break any rules”, “stay socially acceptable”, “fit in with the crowd”, and so forth. And what’s happening is that these guys end up standing passively by while OTHER GUYS come for the women they have their eye on (or even the ones they LIVE with). Yet, they are averse to trying to push the envelope a bit because that would be too…uh…”forward”, or something.

Meanwhile, at that last speed dating event, six of these guys were probably standing around before things got rolling chit-chatting amongst themselves about this exact topic while the seventh guy was already leaving with the one attractive woman who showed up.

Isn’t stuff like that against the “speed dating rules of etiquette”?

I mean, how rude and selfish of guys like that to come around and assert themselves with all the particularly sharp women, huh?

OK, guys…here it is: It’s time to stop being a martyr. You’re not being benevolent and unselfish by neglecting to assert your alpha position in deserving the greatest women.

And guess what, you’re not doing any favors for the women you persist in “settling for” either.

What you ARE doing is FAILING TO DEPLOY.

You’re not only keeping your self from success in the name of being “Mr. Nice Guy”, you are STEALING OPPORTUNITY from great women everywhere.

In your heart, don’t you feel a twinge of frustration knowing that certain fantastic women out there would be better off with you than the mediocre guys they themselves have been “settling” for lately? There’s no doubt about it in your mind, yet you still refuse to impose your will.

That would be selfish. Or possibly confused with appearing too “needy”. Or something like that.

Now before you get too animated, you know me well enough by now to know that I’m not talking about stealing people’s spouses or anything else that’s from the “dark side”. It’s just that it’s time to reframe this notion of what “selfishness” really means and how it can become a scapegoat for artificially limiting ourselves.

We all know that MANIPULATION is to be avoided. Most of us understand that manipulators, by definition, operate purely from a motive of getting as much of what they want from others with as little personal investment as possible. Under the guise of friendship and an umbrella of flattery, the manipulator guilt-trips an unwitting subject into handing over personal favors and perhaps even physical items of far greater worth than what has been extended.

Yeah, that’s pretty selfish stuff. And once exposed for what it is, manipulative patterns and the purveyors thereof tend to be summarily looked down upon with disdain by society.

And last I checked, “society” was made up of roughly 50% women.

Contrast that entire concept with AMBITION. One who is ambitious could be described as knowing what he or she wants, and having the confidence and the plan to transform goals into realities. If true to their focus, such individuals tend to go on to become CEOs, heads of state, cancer survivors and/or perennial all-star point guards.

We love stories of ambition and those who author them. And we love watching ambitious people succeed-especially when the odds are against them.

But make no mistake: Ambition is still all about an individual and his or her personal desires.

So what gives? Selfishness? Manipulation? Ambition? What’s the difference?

First of all, in order to break free from backing off from the kind of women we want to deserve (or the career, adventures, friends, etc. for that matter), we have to stop using “selfishness” as an excuse to cover up what’s actually pure FEAR in most cases. Social martyrdom is typically nothing more than a cover-up for insecurity and flat-out worry.

MANIPULATION is the low-road because therein selfishness exists in a vacuum. We’re talking absolutely zero concern for the needs and welfare of others. It’s ALL taking, all the time. What’s more, the manipulator betrays a common knowledge of right vs. wrong by attempting to mask intentions.

Meanwhile, AMBITION leaves room for others to come along for the ride to success. Implied is an over-arching goal to make sure one’s life MATTERS. Also implied is the desire to succeed in a way so as to make the world a better place in a way only he or she uniquely can.

Sure, there can be a fine line. Some people can become somewhat destructively selfish in the name of ambition, most definitely. For example, Lance Armstrong’s particular brand of ambition conquered cancer and enabled surreal athletic achievements. But it also has repeatedly steamrolled anyone close to him.

Ultimately, it comes down to this: Manipulation drives great women away because it is ultimately rooted in sniveling weakness. Ambition, on the other hand represents the direct approach. He who is ambitious openly states his intentions in broad daylight and exerts the power and leadership to reach goals.

And ambition, therefore, is extraordinarily attractive to women.

Ambition, simply put, transcends “selfishness” by directing one’s vision for success in a path that leads to great things. Others want to be in on that. And make no mistake, great achievements are predicated upon it.

Leadership, confidence, having a plan for success. That’s pretty much what women want out of a man. And that’s why guys who break the speed dating rules (for example) get the girl. Sure, they put their needs ahead of others…but not ahead of the women they choose to invite into their lives.

So where do you stand? Are you watching from the sidelines so as not to “impose” on anyone?

In our little community, there’s a huge focus on self-development. There’s a lot of suggested or required reading, and some of the products from the industry itself are dense and information-heavy. Reviewing all this information for the first time can be daunting, without even thinking about taking the time to properly review it and put it in to action.

With that in mind, I’ve written up my personal system for handling, reviewing, and implementing self-development information…

The Basics

I dedicate an hour a day to self-development literature. 7-8am every morning for me. I used to not think I had the time, and then I realised my priorities were totally screwed. In terms of ‘value for time’, it’s by far the best hour of my day.

Some people make the mistake of starting the day by watching the news on TV, or reading it online. I used to be one of them. Now, rather than plugging stress and negativity in to my brain first thing in the morning, I feed my brain productive and inspirational messages. I woke up this morning with a hangover, and did NOT want to work. Reading through my notes on Michael Jordan’s Driven from Within, however, soon got me itching to get started.

Additionally, I look back at some of the material I’ve read that’s had earth-shattering effects on my productivity and relationships with others, and think: what could possible be more important? From books like Getting Things Done which literally gave me extra hours in the day, to Double Your Dating, which changed the way I interacted with women forever, to Four Hour Work Week which accounts for my current tropical-paradise existance, the gains I’ve made have been tangible and consistent.

Schedule and stick to your hour a day (and we’ll cover what exactly to do with it in a minute). Back when I had a real job, I’d use the hour after lunch - I tended to be pretty unproductive then anyway, so it was a great way of making the most of my time. Eventually, someone complained, so I simply started coming in to work an hour earlier each day (when no-one else was around to check what I was doing) and did it then instead. Now I work for myself, I use the first hour of the day, which is normally 7am.

The System

The basic system is as follows:

1) Read a chapter of your target book, or an article you like from online, and underline (or whatever) the bits you like
2) Type these out in to a plain text file on your computer

3) Reread your notes 3 days later. Repeat this three times

4) Reread your notes 3 weeks later. Repeat this three times

5) Reread your notes 3 months later. Repeat this three times

6) Reread your notes every year after that

This turns out to be surprisingly easy to organize, and here’s how I do it:

Firstly, I organize my notes sensibly:

I have a “Self Dev” folder, which has my index file in it (more on this in a minute), and then a folder for every book, as well as a couple of misc folders (like “Misc Making Money Online”) for putting notes on articles I’ve read online in. Each folder contains a plain text file per chapter (or article), named with the chapter number and name, eg: “SelfDev/PullingYourOwnStrings/4AvoidingTheComparisonTrap.txt”

Once I’ve created that file, I open my index file. It’s another plain text file, and each line has a chapter or article on it, eg:

04.21: Driven from Within: 1 Earned; 21 Jan; 24 Jan; 27 Jan; 01 Feb; 15 Feb; 21 Feb;

The first part is the next date I’m going to read it, the second part is the book and chapter, and the third part is a history of the last times I’ve read it. Note I put the first date in a computer-sortable form - that way I don’t have to shuffle the file around by hand.

Using The System

Each day, I’ll review the notes for the day - it averages out at about three chapters for me at the moment, but rarely takes me more than 15 minutes. Then I’ll go and get a nice cup of coffee, and sit down with a book and a pen.

I won’t always stick to the revision schedule above … some chapters aren’t that interesting, and some are profound enough that I keep them on a daily cycle for a month.

Some chapters have daily or weekly exercises with them - I also keep these in my index file. Who’d have thought if you actually DO the exercises in these things, they tend to be more effective?

More and more these days, I’m coming back to chapters, and being in the fortunate position of not only thinking “that looks like a great idea”, but also: “that’s now something I do”.

A Few Book Recommendations to Get You Started

- Driven From Within - Michael Jordan’s biography, full of inspirational and practical advice and philosophy

- Double Your Dating - the definitive book on dating for men

- Four Hour Work Week - escape your job, live on the beach (worked for me!)
- Psycho Cybernetics - change your self-image and never need ‘willpower’ again
- Pulling Your Own Strings - dealing with conflict, how to be assertive (our review of Pulling Your Own Strings)
- The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People - classic by Stephen Covey

I’ve often had over-the-top ideas that I want to accomplish. Maybe I weigh 120 pounds and want to make it to the college football team. Maybe I’ve been flunking classes all through high-school but then decide I want to get in to the best college. Or maybe I can’t get a girlfriend and decide I want to be able to meet women any time and any where. My life has been full of ideas like these that I’ve followed through on.

People tell me: “Wow, you’re so dedicated”, but I can’t relate to that. It’s like telling a kid who plays basketball after school for a few years that he’s really dedicated. It’s not dedication, it’s routine. It’s habit. It’s a hobby.

Where do you want to go?

First, I’ll get an idea of exactly what I’m trying to accomplish, and what’ll be involved.

I have this general principle that while I’m not all that smart, neither are most people. They walk through life in a trance, and generally don’t break out of their habits. They listen to and accept what others tell them without looking at the finer details.

Everyone tends to assume that the people at the top of their fields have super-efficient and super-powerful ways of doing things, but normally they’re just as disorganized and using the same methods as everyone else - they just have the right set of habits that they do day in day out. Human habit is human habit.

I tend to think there’s pretty much no limit to the level I can reach as long as I have an idea of what the top looks like. In fact, I tend to assume I can surpass it even before I start.

How to get there?

Next, I try and figure out how long it’ll take to get where I want to go, and what I need to do DAY to DAY. This is proactive and logical reasoning. I don’t wait until some girl dumps me to decide I need to start going out and meeting new people - that is, until I’m emotionally compelled. Instead, I think to myself: “I need to go out 3 to 7 nights a week for a couple of years to get the success with women I want”.

At that point, you have to start showing up.

I fully accept the time commitment I’m making. If I get tempted to change my plans, I stick to it anyway - if I can’t trust myself to go through with the day-to-day commitment in one area of my life, then I can’t trust myself with the next area - and if you can’t do that, why start anything new?

Another important point is to show up whether or not the conditions are ideal. If I’m not dressed properly, I’ll still hit the clubs. If I’m not feeling, I’ll just go out for a short time to keep the habit. It’s the same as going to the gym: even if I’ve not slept properly, or I’m busy, or I’m sick, I’ll work around it. If I’m too tired to have a good workout, I’ll still show up and push through it. If I’m too busy, then I’ll rush through it, and won’t worry about eating before or after. If I’m sick, I’ll show up and just stretch out.

Having these contingency plans in your head before you start is also helpful - if you know what you’ll do in common difficult situations, you won’t have to think about it and talk yourself out of it.

Making Progress

Progress at first is likely to be nearly non-existent. In fact, sometimes, you’ll even go backwards first - a big J curve. If you can push through the initial pain, you’ll find your results take off.

Most people quit because starting something new is really hard, and usually feels directionless for a long time. The guys who make it through that get to a level where progress is fast, noticeable, and the activity becomes fun - it becomes a hobby.

But keep in mind at first you’ll be banging your head against the wall to make the most miniscule advances.

Take picking up chicks. If you’re starting out as a total loser like I was, then you’re going to get zero progress for a few months. You’ll go out, and people will be really unresponsive and hard on you. It’ll stay that way too for a while because you’ll be getting rejected, and you’ll feel pretty bad. On the plus side, however, you are learning you won’t die, which is pretty key.

This is where blind faith comes in. I’ll try and figure out what the basic training is, and do it over and over and over, regardless of it I get a result. I am outcome independent. My only outcome is to get my ass out of the house and to where it’s supposed to be.

My criteria for success isn’t how well I did - it’s if I showed up and did what I was supposed to do.

Final Thoughts

If you think back to the last six months or a year, it seems like nothing. That time passes so fast. You get older and decades start to fly by.

But when you start implementing a habit, you’re thinking about the outcome, and how hard the training is. You go through one session, or you go out one night, and because you’re just starting, you remember every little detail. It seems like a lifetime! Then you think “six months to a year of this?!”

That’s a trap to avoid. If you think like that, you won’t get anywhere. The point is to keep going and not to try and get results. Go out, follow your plan. Don’t think: “six more months”, think: “this is what I’m doing now. My day consists of this now. This is my lifestyle”.

To me, it comes down to:

1. Get an idea of what you want
2. Formulate a plan of how often you need to show up to make it happen
3. Accept that your new activity is a part of your life for the duration you decided, and never decide based on emotions if you’ll show up or not. Just show up.
4. Don’t focus on results, focus on showing up
5. Make it a hobby. Shift the focus of your training when your intuition tells you it might help

Remember, don’t focus on chasing outcome. Focus on sticking to habits. Make your criteria for success showing up, and following your plan. Good luck!

Learning to meet and strike up interesting, attractive conversations with women is a skill.

It’s not hard to find very good clear information about the skills needed - how to build attraction, how to kiss a girl, how to take and follow up a phone number.

But there’s a relative lack of good information on how to actually acquire these skills. Beyond ‘go out and practice’, there’s little solid and practical advice on how to learn and implement them.

So today I’m going to tell you about one particularly useful technique I used.

Focusing on Failure

When asked to name the most useful skill a pass receiver could have, Otto Graham (one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time) said: “A damn short memory”.

What did he mean? He meant the ability to instantly forget about a pass that was badly fumbled. The ability to make a small adjustment, and then let the ‘error’ part of trial and error go, rather than beating yourself up about having made a mistake, or focussing massively on the ‘failure’.

There’s an over-emphasis in The Community on ’sticking points’ - areas where you’re tackling a specific weakness in your skill set. Trying to change specific points is great, but many guys lose sight of the real goal.

Learning to pick up women isn’t about eradicating all the ‘mistakes’ you make - it’s about amplifying everything that you do right. It’s about focusing on the attractive parts of who you are and what you do, not about being endlessly worried about getting some part ‘wrong’.

If a guy’s been playing his failures in his mind over and over again to try and get rid of them, then when he sees the woman of his dreams, what goes through his mind? Is he reminded of his previous successes? Does he get a boost of confidence and self-esteem that’s instantly attractive?

Of course not. His mind dredges up all his blow outs. All the times he was rejected. If he gets the courage to approach at all, he’s nervous, and it shows - what better way to kill attraction?

Making the Glass Delusionally Full

Here’s a simple trick for getting out of this habit. Having tried it, I was blown away by the results.

Every night when I came home after going out to meet women, I’d write an insanely positive entry in my journal. “She punched me and threw a drink over me” became “I had a refreshing time after I spiked a girl’s emotions”. “I kissed a fat girl” became “I ran some really solid comfort and qualifying material on a girl with low self-esteem”.

I simply refused to write down anything negative. If anything I couldn’t spin positively happened, I just wouldn’t write it down.

Why?

Two reasons.

Firstly: it focuses you absolutely on what works. I’d start to see patterns in what I was doing that I hadn’t seen elsewhere. As a joke, I tried to kiss a girl I’d only met 30 seconds previously. It worked. So I tried it again. It didn’t work but got me a positive reaction. Fast escalation thus became part of my arsenal, even though previously I’d always been told it was wrong - apparently it fitted with me, and my personality.

Secondly it builds up all the right and most helpful memories in your head. There’s some pretty compelling evidence now that when your brain retrieves most memories, it deletes the old and creates a new one. If you start to consciously retrieve certain memories, and put a positive spin on them, they start to be remembered that way - as positive times you interacted with women, rather than negative ones.

Keeping focussed on your successes, and not allowing yourself to consciously register ‘failures’ as anything other than signals you might benefit from making a small adjustment will put you on the fast track for getting great results. And what’s more, it’ll help keep the whole process a lot of fun - a vital component in giving you the consistency you need in meeting your goals.

It’s important as a a dating coach (and especially important as a coach for big brands like The Mystery Method and Love Systems) to constantly be making progress yourself - to keep the saw sharp. I try to read everything I think might have some value to me - I fill notebook after notebook with ideas and things to try.

Slow Burners and Inner Game Confidence

Some things we teach on The Mystery Method bootcamps are ‘fast burners’ and some are ’slow burners’. A fast burner is a piece of advice that a student can use right away - simple, practical, and effective. A slow burner is often a bit deeper, a more profound piece of advice - students will often email me to tell me how something I said to them in a workshop came back to them a month later, and it was the missing piece of the puzzle they’re trying to solve.

Slow burners are normally about confidence and beliefs, or what we call ‘inner game’. Almost all the practical advice we teach is stuff we’ve taken from guys who are supernaturally confident with women, or have certain highly useful beliefs about women and dating. Getting these beliefs and confidence can be a lengthy process, but in the long-run, they’re key.

Essentially they give you the Winners Edge. People who dominate any field are normally only a small amount better than the pack. But the difference in success that they enjoy is huge. You don’t have to become Mystery or Style to enjoy great success - small changes here and there will have a huge impact.

One of the biggest slow-burners in my personal development has been the idea of a ‘Self Concept’, as found in the book Psycho-Cybernetics.

Self Concept and Self Development

Your Self Concept can be defined as: “How much you truly believe that you are capable of doing something”. Not how much you wish you could, not how much you want to believe it, and not how much you pretend to believe it. How much you genuinely believe it.

My Self Concept for brushing my teeth is high, my Self Concept for playing soccer is pretty low. My Self Concept for teaching seminars is high, my Self Concept for beating co-instructors Sheriff and Sinn at drinking games is low.

Your Self Concept is like a homing device in your head - however hard you push against it, you’ll end up back on the same path eventually.

Does your Self Concept contain a belief that you’re lazy? You’ll be able to push yourself to be productive for a few days, but sooner or later, you’ll find yourself back to wasting time. Believe that you’re a fat slob? You’ll be able to get yourself to the gym for a few days, but pretty soon you’ll snap back to reaching for that twinkie.

Your Self Concept contains beliefs on all aspects of your life - it’s like your mental DNA. If you want to change something about yourself, you have to change your Self Concept, otherwise all the willpower in the world won’t make a difference.

And if you truly believe that you don’t deserve women in your life, then all the tips and tricks you learn won’t help in the long run. You’ll meet women, maybe you’ll date them, but sooner or later the guidance system that is The Self Concept will take over again, and you’ll end up driving them away.

Changing Your Self Concept

Guys who come to workshops often leave with a substantially changed set of beliefs about women in their Self Concept.

There are a couple of reasons for this. Firstly, they see an authority figure (like an instructor) do things they didn’t think were possible. They’ll see a previously bitchy and unresponsive girl turn in to putty in the instructor’s hands. They’ll see an instructor wade in to a large group of girls and come away with the hottest one’s phone number or a kiss. What’s more though, as often as not they’ll hear an instructor talk about a time when he was at the level they were at, and his personal changes - they can relate to it. Authority figures play a large role in the formation of our Self Concept.

Secondly, they’ll see a lot of new evidence about how women treat them. We’ll have changed how attractive they come across dramatically, and women will treat them differently - consistently! Repetition and new evidence play a big part in changing the Self Concept.

If you can’t get yourself to a workshop, what can you take from this?

Firstly: surround yourself with guys who are good with women. I have a rule for the people I let in to my life: would I feel comfortable being more like this person? If the answer is no, I don’t want to spend time with them. Seek out people who act how you want to act, and spend time with them - their behaviours and beliefs will help guide you.

Secondly: surround yourself with women. Get in to the habit of bringing attractive women in to your life as FRIENDS. You’ll learn so much about them: about their insecurities and about how they react to men. You’ll meet the super-hot women who just want strong men who are nice to them - and either meet wimps or assholes. You’ll have your reality blown away by some of their attitudes to sex and men in general.

Thirdly: work on your outer game constantly. Go out and meet new people all the time. Get blown out, get sucked in. If you perfect attractive body language, for example, women will start treating you as a more attractive man - and you’ll start to believe, deep inside, that you are. It’s the perfect feedback loop.

Getting Some Perspective

Ever bought a video game (I highly recommend Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus for Gameboy Advance) and start off sucking at it? Did you then look at yourself in the mirror and say “You know, I suck as a person because I can’t get past Level 1″. No. That’d be bullshit, and you’d know it. It even sounds stupid.

You know that if you play the game enough, you’ll get good soon. You don’t believe that you suck at video games (or life) in general, you believe that you need a little more practice, and you’ll probably get better. If the game’s good, and has a happy ending, you’ll keep playing it until you know what all the buttons do and can kick ass.

The important thing is that you don’t let your incompetence in this one area affect your overall Self Concept and Self Value. This allows you to grow rapidly. You don’t care if you succeed or fail - you care about the process. If you got upset and low every time Barbie got eaten by the Trolls you’d find your progress severely retarded.

The easiest way I know to free yourself from this trap? Keep a success journal. Every night you go out, come home, and only write down the positive things. Only write down the things that went well. Developing competence is about finding what works, and then losing all the bad habits about it - but you need to find the way that works first.

The more you focus on your failures, the more you focus on being a failure. The more you focus on your successes, the more you focus on being a success.

[digg-me]Want to know the best way to get in to a good state of mind for meeting women? The answer is to have fun!

The best way I find to get in state is by going out with a wingman and just have an awesome fun time! When I’m out with my wing we are just always laughing and having fun and the girls are just a natural progression of the night and it’s not a big deal.

To be honest I’m usually in state before I enter the first venue. How? I’m always doing a combination of one or more of the following things: laughing, joking, witty banter and word play, singing, play wrestling with my wing, opening sets, even getting blown out is funny and can put me into state if I’ve done something particularly ballsy, which the silly girl was too reserved to appreciate.

State Killers

Now having said that I want to draw attention to things that can KILL your getting into state. If you have a cheat sheet add these state killers on the back of it. If you find yourself making these mistake below (I know I sure have) just stop it, say to yourself shit I’m doing X bad thing whooooops that’s not going to help me - cool good thing I noticed - look there’s a group of people I haven’t met yet “YOOOOO guys”!

STATE KILLER 1: Doing WWII reconaissance laps around the club looking for “the hot girls” as opposed to just going up to the first people and starting to chat with them for a fun social interaction.

STATE KILLER 2: Talking about game, this is lame, seriously don’t do it, you’ll just get inside of your head. This includes discussing potential sets with your wingman, that’s also lame just go up and approach you don’t need your wingman to give his rubber stamp of approval to enter a set, that’s just your approach anxiety playing games with you.

STATE KILLER 3: Doing the same things - using the same old opener and routines without trying to do something new - eg. Try going in direct and use a new routine you’ve never tried a million times before - or no routines - mix it up a bit.

STATE KILLER 4: Seeing a set you want to approach and making a lame excuse about why you won’t go and approach them which you know you don’t really believe - They are too fat - They are on the dance floor - They are about to leave.

STATE KILLER 5: Going to the bathroom before you speak to some people first - you’ll just make it harder to get into state.

STATE KILLER 6: Ordering a drink before you speak to some people first - you’ll just get in your head and it’ll seem weirder and weirder to approach people.

STATE KILLER 7: Going up to sets without the attitude that you’re going for glory and just approaching because you’re forcing yourself to. This game IS fun, it is TRULY FUN, if you are just approaching so you can tell yourself you overcame your approach anxiety and have done your 10 sets for the night, that’s totally lame, I mean props for approaching but go for GLORY push it as far as you can and get the girl and/or learn something so you can build on your success!