Insecurity and Social Intelligence / Vibing
Wednesday
Jan 16, 2008
As social animals, we’re designed to enjoy socializing and small talk. Not only do they allow us to form important social bonds and alliances with others, but they also help us identify who is, and who is not, a member of our group.
When people are communicating according to these social rules, they act as a social lubricant – the end result is a pleasant flow of conversation and ideas – what we call a vibe.
People who don’t understand these social rules or don’t follow them are doomed to come across badly, even if they’re a totally worthwhile or good person. Why? Because people normally break the vibe when they’re acting on insecurity.
Let’s take the somewhat weird but very common example of ‘rhetorical sequencing’.
James is very excited about a great deal he got on an awesome jacket, and wants to tell his friend Bob:
Good Example
James: Hey man, you’ll never guess how much I paid for this jacket
Bob: Wow, uh … $200?
James: No man, it was $60!
Bob: Awesome! Good job, it looks great
Bad Example
James: Hey man, you’ll never guess how much I paid for this jacket
Bob: Oh, you got a deal. I guess $40 then
James: Uh, actually $60
Bob: Well that’s not bad I guess
Bob here is telegraphing insecurity. His subconscious thought process was: “I’ll show James how smart I am, and how I picked up that he got a deal on the jacket. Then I’ll have shown him I passed his test!” His desire to be right, his desire to try and give an accurate guess to make himself look smart completely killed the vibe.
Secure Bob realises that James got a deal, but also realised that he wasn’t asking a real question – something lower end, but still high enough that even if the guy didn’t get a great deal, he’ll still feel good.
Let’s take another example. James and Bob are vacationing in London:
Good Example
James: Wow man, check out that building! That rocks!
Bob: Whoa, that’s huge!
Bad Example
James: Wow man, check out that building! That rocks!
Bob: Yeah, that’s cool. But dude, you should see New York. New York KILLS this place
The person who’s not vibing correctly is failing to understand something: the purpose of the initial comment isn’t debate – it’s building a social vibe. The content isn’t the communication – it’s the veneer over the subcommunication that says: “Let’s have a nice time, build rapport with each other, and chill out”. Bob is instead using them as opportunities to try and make himself look good – killing the vibe entirely.
Author: Posted by the Grow Your Game Editor - Travis. 
Comments
Akky
January 29th, 2008 at 4:32 am
Lovely article. Now I know why my conversations don’t last that long.
yup yup
May 29th, 2008 at 6:42 am
did anyone get the swinggcat natural vibing course? I wonder how it is . .
Clare
December 9th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
Oh- I remember this! This is really helpful, and stuff that I forgot. It really does work- I used to find it really easy to make friends and small talk was enjoyable. After a bereavement small talk lost its appeal and I couldn’t work out why I’d lost my mojo- I always seemed to wanna try too hard or say too much… 2 years on I gotta say thanks for the reminder- it’s time to pick up where I left off!