With kino there is an obvious ladder of escalation. Grabbing a girl’s ass is obviously more escalated than touching her shoulder, and for the most part it’s pretty common sense. So when we talk to girls, we start out at an initial kino level, either a touch on the arm or the claw, then escalate progressively from there.
Similar to kino, there is also a verbal escalation ladder. We all have a natural basic understanding of this which looks like:
Friendly topics (movies, music, good bars, etc.) -> personal topics (grew up in Chicago, etc.) -> sexual discussion (I want to turn you around and fuck you from behind while I pull your hair)
What separates verbal escalation from kino escalation is that verbal de-escalations can actually hurt the pick-up. So for instance while slapping a girl’s arse then touching her arm is fine, you generally don’t want to go from talking about sex to talking about names for 80’s dogs.
Every statement/question falls somewhere on a verbal escalation scale.
Some examples of different types of statements -
80’s dogs opener – non sexual, non personal.
“So what is it about social work that you love?” - non-sexual, personal
“I think you’ve got the most amazing eyes” – sexual and personal.
Here’s the Verbal Escalation Ladder as I understand it (the top being the most escalated):
Statement about both sexually – I can see the two of us on a beach naked just going at it in the sand.
Question about both sexually – Oh man, can you imagine what would happen if the two of us were left alone together?
Statement about both personally – I can tell we’re two of a kind, it’s really rare.
Question about both personally – Why does it feel like we know each other so well?
Statement about her sexually – You have the sexiest grin.
Question about her sexually – What is it that a guy does that drives you wild?
Statement involving you/her personally – You would love ____ book.
Question involving you/her personally – What made you decide to move to SF?
Statement involving you/her impersonally – you have a southern accent/that’s a cool hat.
Question involving her impersonally – what’s the occasion/have you been to NYC?
Statement involving neither you nor her – American Beauty is a great movie
Question involving neither you nor her – What’s a good name for my friend’s puppies?
The idea is clearly to progressively make your way up the ladder. Usually this takes the form of 2 steps forward, one step back, bob around there for a while, move forward again to test the water, back down again etc. Just like with kino, I’ve found that you can actually progress up the ladder a lot quicker than you might think, so push the boundaries and see how much unnecessary banter you can actually cut out of the interaction – assuming you’re going for a day1 pull.
De-Escalation – The quickest way to blow your value
In my experience, there is no more sure-fire way to ruin a set than to de-escalate either because you’re scared or insecure. An obvious example would be, she says “I like it when guys rub my shoulders” and you get scared and say “ha, heh, hey are you going to that party on Saturday?” (oh man, I used to always do this back in my chode days. Then I’d try to revive the escalation and talk about back massages after I’d already mucked it up- makes me cringe now thinking about it)
Interestingly enough, people’s natural reaction to a perceived drop in their own value is to verbally de-escalate. (I’m using “verbally de-escalate” to mean jump from one point on the ladder to a lower point.) While in any interaction you’re going have to naturally de-escalate anyway (you can’t be talking about sex forever), I’m talking specifically about de-escalations as a result of a perceived self value drop.
For instance, say you’re talking about how she has a sexy grin, then some dude carrying a tray squeezes by you, placing you in an awkward position physically as you make room for him. Your natural reaction is going to be once he passes to verbally de-escalate down to talking about a good movie or something and from here to re-climb the ladder. This is weak sauce. Resuming at the same escalation level will actually build your value and increase her attraction to you.
This is in many ways what inner-game is all about. Being self-assured and internally centered so that external events (the guy with the tray) don’t elicit a negative reaction from you (de-escalating).
Another common verbal de-escalation following a perceived drop in value happens when guys get in their own head after ‘messing something up’. For instance if the girl gives a shit test and the guy feels like he didn’t pass it well (this is a total chode mindset, but we’re talking about his perception here). The guy will almost always step back and verbally de-escalate. Or if he spills his drink, same thing- there’s really no shortage of examples.
Interestingly enough, de-escalating after the failed shit-test is more damaging than actually failing the shit test (or spilling the drink or anything else). Whereas continuing un-phased is going to significantly boost your value to the girl. So ultimately the only factor of significance to the girl is your self-perceived value, which is completely determined by you and only you.
Develop your inner game and let the pieces fall into place.
