While the clitoris is the only anatomical organ whose sole function is sexual pleasure, men still have trouble understanding that women are designed to enjoy sex more than them. Have you ever described an orgasm as “waves of pleasure, crashing through your whole body”? No. Have you ever been unable to walk after having sex? No. Your puny foreskin is really no competition to the massive combined sexual potential of the g-spot and clitoris.
But men are always framed as the sexual aggressor. Men are always portrayed as the promiscuous sex. The result? Men start to believe that women don’t want sex as much as they do.
Here’s the thing: women love sex, but they absolutely hate feeling bad about having had sex. And society’s been telling them since time began that casual sex is wrong.
From an evolutionary perspective, having casual sex is a pretty big gamble for her, in the same way that approaching strange women is for men. Where you get ‘approach anxiety’ - fear of approaching a woman for the first time - she gets ‘last minute resistance’ - fear of having sex with a new guy for the first time.
‘Last Minute Resistance’ isn’t the same as not wanting to have sex with you - it’s just a natural feeling of nervousness she gets before doing it. The simple way around this is spending more time with a girl, getting to know her better, and sharing an emotional connection with her.
The difficult part? Making sure you don’t lose sexual attraction as you do this.
The Big Mistake
Different girls require different amount of comfort and connection before they’re going to feel comfortable sleeping with you. A girl whose already comfortable with her sexuality isn’t going to need to feel like your soul mate - as long as she feels safe (emotionally and physically) around you, you’re going to be fine.
More sexually inhibited girls are a bit harder to put at ease. And here’s where many guys make a big mistake. They try and build lots of comfort and connection with a girl without also building and maintaining sexual attraction. Result? They end up in the friend zone, or they end up falling for the girl themselves.
The solution is ‘fractionation’ and ‘releases’. You have to make sure you’re interspersing heavy emotional moments with light-hearted banter and teasing. After you’ve told her the story about what those cute little raccoons taught you about love when you were 6 years old, tease her and push her away by saying “and you know that’s why we’d never work out, right?” with a smile. Build up little barriers - stupid reasons why you can’t ever be together - and play against those in order to make her feel comfortable building a connection with you.
Remember, you’re trying to make her feel comfortable and emotionally about you, about having sex with you, about the situation you’re in, and about making a decision to sleep with you. You need to demonstrate to her that you’re not judgmental, and you need to let her feel she’s in control of the situation and not being pressurized.
But don’t turn in to a total wuss - you want to be lovers, not friends!
March 10th, 2008 at 11:37 pm
AARGHHGHG!!!! I soooo could have used this last night!!!