[reddit-me]I had a friend recently complain to me that the women he was attracting were all crazy: he’d dated girls who ran the whole range from self-harming to trying to make him jealous all the time; from those who were attracted to abusive guys to those who always tried to create drama between him and his friends. He’d realised already that all these behaviours came out of self-esteem issues the girls had.
I gave him two points to consider:
Firstly: some guys are actively attracted to girls who they feel have something wrong with them. I had a beautiful deaf friend, who used to get practically stalked by guys when they found out she was deaf. Why? Because they felt they could easily add something to her life; something they didn’t feel confident they could do to a ‘normal’ beautiful girl. While that’s a particularly striking example, guys have been looking for girls they can look after (and women for men they can save) since time began.
This isn’t a healthy place to be: it’s born out of insecurity. Rather than trying to improve the one person who’s showing interest in you, why not increase the number of people who are interested in you, and then find one who doesn’t need improving?
Secondly: people in general will often start to get needy in relationships which they don’t feel they deserve, and this neediness will tend to manifest itself in women as the behaviours he’d been describing.
When people get needy, they’re looking for validation - they’re looking to feel your love and attention. If you give them your attention and emotional investment only when they’re acting in a way you don’t like, you’re going to train them to act like that more often.
If however, you make a point of rewarding them with your attention, and with lots of positive emotion when they’re displaying characteristics about them you do like, you’ll reinforce that instead.
Give the other person explicit ways they can feel validated from you. Pick five things you like about them, give them sincere compliments about it. Example:
My friend John’s gf knows that he will shower her with love and affection whenever she:
- Does something maternal, like making and bringing him food
- Displays a high degree of creativity
- Comes to him with a problem, rather than letting it boil up
As a result, a girl who used to be a fucking nightmare of a gf to another friend of mine, always flirting with other guys, causing problems, etc, is now a near-perfect girlfriend. Why? Because she knows how to get the feeling of security from the relationship. She doesn’t need to do any of the negative things to feel loved - she just needs to act in a way that makes him happy!
