Dealing with Jealousy in a Relationship
Sunday
Jan 20, 2008
I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for over two years now, and some of you have been lucky enough to meet the lady herself. She’s pretty, she’s intimidating intelligent, she’s cultured, she’s a sportswoman, she’s funny, she’s a great cook … but most importantly, she’s lovely. This is the kind of girl I got in to the game to meet.
Two years in to this relationship, with a bunch of relationships behind me that didn’t go sooo well, I think I’m finally in a position to start giving some fairly useful relationship advice.
And the first topic I want to cover is jealousy. Two reasons:
1) I used to be insanely jealous, and I cracked it
2) It seems to be the thing people ask me about the most
Some Background
A girl called Jenny was the reason I got in to the game. I met her in Sweden, at a wedding, and she was lovely. She was really pretty, really lovely, and for some reason, she took a shine to me. She was the second person I had sex with, and I’d just come out of a pretty abusive relationship. She made the whole thing happen, from start, to finish.
On the same night I met her, a ‘friend’ of mine was there, who was a natural, and had also taken a shine to her. After she’d kissed me, straight away he isolated her to try and kiss her too, even though his at-the-time fiancé was there. He lived in a different country tho, so while I was pissed off, after he left I thought nothing of it.
I flew backwards and forwards to Stockholm to see her, almost every week, even though I was earning very little at the time. I was ultimate wuss-nice-guy. I spent lots of money on her, I always made an effort to do the things she wanted to do. All this time spent seeing her meant I was neglecting my friends and family and life in general.
One weekend we went to see mutual friends, and the natural guy was there. He spent the whole time flirting with her, and I could see her responding to it. It really crushed me. I felt powerless. I didn’t know what I could do.
This girl was a pillar of my reality. She was a bright spot in the pretty dreary life I was living at the time. She made me feel good about myself and confident, that I had such a pretty sophisticated woman with me, even though I had no idea how, why, or what had brought her in to my life (actual answer: she was on the rebound in a major way).
Seeing this guy slowly but surely take her away from me was crushing. He tried to kiss her in front of me several times, and I didn’t know what I could do. When I brought it up with her, she got weird about. My Mum had always complained about my Dad getting jealous when I was younger, and made it out to be a terrible terrible character trait, so not only was I jealous, hurt, and scared of losing this girl, I was also filled with self-loathing and shame for being jealous too. Ouch.
A few weeks later, I found out he’d flown to Stockholm to see her. I rang her up and ended it ‘mutually’ just so I wouldn’t have to tell anyone that really she’d dumped me for him. A year later I found out they were married when I saw some photos of the wedding on a friend’s website.
Exegesis
This fucked with me a fair amount. I started to wonder how I could ever trust women again, and also: how could I ever be in a relationship again, if I could go through the pain of watching someone else steal my girlfriend in front of my eyes? Not a great place to be.
More observant readers will have noticed some critical points here however:
- I was using this girl as a source of validation – and a major one at that. I felt good about myself because I was with her, not because of me.
- I spent a lot of time focusing on this girl, and not on my life in general
- I went out of my way to be as ‘good’ a boyfriend as I could be, all the time, and trying to make sure she was happy
- I got weird and acted jealous
Explanation
Of those, the first point is by far the most important. Defining your life in terms of girls will fuck you up. I promise. Whether it’s in terms of one girl, or in terms of “HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT ALL THE GIRLS I’M FUCKING” repeated endlessly, it’s a sure-fire way to make yourself very very unhappy in the long run.
You have to see your girlfriend as someone who makes you happy, and someone you want to spend time with. Nothing more, nothing less. Having a girlfriend doesn’t make you a different or more worthy person than you were the day before you had one. Read that line again: it’s a common mental sticking point. In a recent episode of Peepshow, the main weirdo guy has a little monologue about: “Now I can go to the school reunion and show everyone I’m a normal person, with a normal house and a normal fiancé! Ha!”
This is broken. Really broken. Focus your life outside of your girlfriend. Don’t brag about her to your friends. Don’t look at other guy’s girlfriends, and judge yourself against them by that (or by anything, for that matter).
Most importantly: be willing to walk away. Look: your girlfriend should be a source of net joy in your life. Every day. My rule is: if I wake up three mornings in one week and I don’t want to be with my girlfriend at the time, it’s over. Done. Finished. Your girlfriend should be a source of joy and happiness, not a source of drama and misery out of some fucked-up feeling of loyalty. If you’re in a relationship, and it’s not ACTIVELY MAKING YOU HAPPY: end it. Now.
Being a good boyfriend
This has been written on at length elsewhere, and I’m tempted to write something lengthy on it myself at some point, but in short: what you’ve been told makes a good boyfriend, and what actually makes a good boyfriend rarely meet.
Girls do not respond well to being allowed to always do what they want when you’re together. Girls do not respond well to there never being any drama (this doesn’t mean you need to argue a lot – I intend to write a lot about this soon – it’s really key). Girls do not respond well to you always doing what they want you to do. Girls do not respond well to you dropping everything and focusing on them, just because something is a little bit wrong.
In short: do what you want. Almost any time she starts an argument, it’s because she’s not feeling loved enough – do NOT try and engage this shit logically. Read “David Deida – Way of the Superior Man”. Have boundaries. Show her those boundaries. Mark them out. Make sure you take a piss in every corner of her bedroom, 3.5 times a month (just checking you’re paying attention).
Finally, acceptance
The final piece of the puzzle: if your girlfriend fucks another guy, you haven’t changed as a person. You’re still the person you were the day before. To the best of my knowledge, my g/f has never cheated on me – but I’m open to the possibility that some day she’ll fuck another guy. I accept that. She’s human. It happens. It doesn’t affect my value in the slightest.
Were I to sleep with another girl (and I haven’t and won’t), that hasn’t changed my g/f in the least. I’ve slept with a number of married women, engaged women, women with boyfriends. None of them loved their other halves any less after I fucked them. It didn’t mean anything.
What’s more: getting jealous about it doesn’t help in the slightest. It’s entirely negative. The only thing I can do if I think she’s cheating on me, if I’m getting jealous, is try and be the best boyfriend I can be. Try and be the best option that’s on offer. And utter acceptance of this is the only way forward.
She knows I have options. I’d never tell her that, never rub it in her face, but she knows I have female friends who’d jump at the chance to be with me. She knows I’m an attractive guy who other women want to be with. I make an effort to be that attractive guy still. This stops there being a weird power imbalance in the relationship – something that’s really important.
Author: Posted by the Grow Your Game Editor - Travis. 
Comments
Zuli
October 18th, 2008 at 2:27 am
Wow…I went through something like that previously. I used to look at other’s boyfriends and compared him with mine.. N what u said was true,If you’re in a relationship, and it’s not ACTIVELY MAKING YOU HAPPY: end it. Now.
Peter
December 27th, 2008 at 4:47 am
Thanks for this post. My girlfriend and I recently decided to try an open relationship in order to save ours, which was on the brink of being over. It worked, it saved us, and I never slept with anyone else. She did, though, and it drove me crazy – despite the fact that I agreed to it. I simply didn’t know it would turn out to hurt me so much. I was insanely jealous. Things are better now, but from time to time I still get a little down – now is one of those times, but reading your little blurb has helped. Thank you.
SeductionExplained.com
January 7th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Very true. David Deida all the way.
I love the bit in Peep show where Jeremy goes
“There’s only so much happiness in the world Mark and there hoarding it all.
SeductionExplained.com
January 7th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
When my girlfriend gets mad at me I just tickle her.
simon
January 20th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Thanks, this was fantastic and made me realise that I have been worrying way too much over my gf and giving myself value just because I am with her. The important thing is to improve yourself and make sure you yourself are happy – the company of a girl is an added bonus but not the be all and end all. I love the line about marking your territory!
InsecurePerphaps
January 30th, 2009 at 6:03 am
Wow really good advice. Props
DB
March 3rd, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Thanks for that post… I struggle dealing with jealousy a lot. I recently became involved with someone who is everything I have ever wanted. She is a little younger than me (by 4 years) and she has a small past. She is great now but I don’t know what she really like before me. She is friends with older men, older than her by 10-11 years and this makes me upset when they flirt with her online. I trust she would not cheat on me but the fact that these older men (who I have no idea how she knows) make comments on her page makes me want to start altercations with them. I get very angry… I try to repress that anger and fear that it could turn into violence.
james
March 6th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
How can somebody get over the fact that ur girl slept with another guy? i would be devastated…just thinking about is freaking me out……
relationship advice girl
April 6th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Great post. I’ve seen a lot of jealous people in my life and it’s very hard to overcome. Until you are able to not be jealous, you cannot have a healthy relationship.
Austin B
April 19th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
Great site. I particularly like the way you lay out your points. I’ll keep watching for more.
ArtificialNatural
May 17th, 2009 at 9:46 am
I agree with about 98% of what you say in this article. I have a question about this part though:
“I’ve slept with a number of married women, engaged women, women with boyfriends. None of them loved their other halves any less after I fucked them. It didn’t mean anything.”
So, if your girl fucked some other guy while she was married or engaged to you, you wouldn’t think anything of it? After all, it doesn’t mean anything right? How can you be content with the fact that if your g/f cheated, she more than likely will lie about it to your face? If it doesn’t mean anything when girls cheat, then why even practice monogamy in the first place?
meliza
June 4th, 2009 at 9:06 am
Jealousy does not lead to anything good in a relationship, the basis of a good relationship is the talk and trust. So Look for a couple who is not so jealous
Lee
July 2nd, 2009 at 5:32 am
wtf – you had sex with married people. you accept that at some point your g/f will have sex with someone else.
Personally I think that you are psychologically scarred by the fact that you allowed some other guy to ruin your relationship and you never did anything about it, because your mother told you that jealousy was wrong because she probably didn’t want your father to interfere with her flirting with other men.
I think that you have some psychological problems, otherwise you wouldn’t be writing about jealousy on the internet, because you obviously have some problem dealing with this reality.
OK, you allowed some guy to ruin your relationship with the girl you cared about most in your life, and you did nothing to prevent that from happening. If you had some back-bone, maybe you stood up for yourself.
As far as I am concerned, jealousy is an important survival need for couples to maintain their integrity. I think you don’t realise that sometimes women actually appreciate jealousy from a man, if it makes them realise that a man actually cares about them.
The point is to stand up for yourself, but in a way that you will be respected, so that your girl friend and the other person who wants to destroy your relationship will respect you.
If you already expect your g/f to cheat on you, and say ‘because she is human’ I think that you need to realise that you already have a negative mental frame-work towards your relationship.
If you are saying also that you had relationships with other people who were married, and that didn’t affect their relationships with their other partners, I think first of all, you have a problem with moral boundaries, and secondly, you have a problem with respect.
It sounds to me, like sub-consciously you have never forgiven the ‘friend’ who stole your girl-friend from you.
It also looks like you still cared about her, but you allowed your own self-worth to be undermined by the fact that she left you for a jerk who pressurised her into a relationship, and had no respect for his friendship with you. She doesn’t sound like a very good person.
You are right to be correct that your own self worth will not be affected by the fact that you allowed a jerk to steal your ex-girl-friend, but at the same time, that does not allow you to try and compete with that kind of negative predatory behaviour and indulge in the same kind of games that it sounds like you are dealing with now.
It sounds like you need to fully grieve for the relationship that you lost, and realise that the ex was not good enough for you. At the same time, it also sounds like you need to value the g/f you are with, and respect her, and also respect the relationships of other people and also respect yourself, not to indulge in negative behaviour towards other people’s relationships just because you were damaged in the past.
Cherish yourself and your g/f – fine – but really mean it. Don’t just say one thing, and then describe your actions which are the total opposite.
You still sound like you need to resolve your feelings and find self-acceptance before you can truly give real love and value the importance of fidelity to another person.
You are mistaking ‘love’ with ‘lust’. 2 different things. Fidelity is an important emotion, that bonds 2 people with trust, to protect their future relationship to have a supportive unity to create a family unit.
Lack of fidelity is always destructive. It is extremely destructive for children to witness insecurity in their parents relationship.
Jealousy is important, even if it is a signal of potential destructive energy that threatens a relationship. What is important how you deal with it. You can either submit to feelings of jealousy, and create the conditions for the destruction of the relationship to take place, or you can make the relationship improved by focusing on ways to deal with the situation in a way that you will win and improve the strength of the relationship as a result.
Joy
July 6th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
I totally agree with Lee 100%. You sound damaged and bitter with no respect or self respect. You should go and get help for your deep rooted problems. If you don’t sort it your going to be a sad man when you get old.
You say that you have cracked it but it all sounds cracked up. AND for those who say your posting has helped them…well it sounds like you still need to mature in life in general.
I did like some of your posting but eek this one is fucked-up!!
Jo
July 16th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Hey man,
You made some awesome points there. good job dude
Miss T
July 20th, 2009 at 9:51 am
WOW! I googled how to deal with jealousy in a relationship and this link as the first I clicked on. After a year of leaving my marriage, I finally found a great guy. One problem though, he has been cheated and did his share of cheating in the past. Like yourself he’s attractive and has plenty of female friends who will jump at the opportunity if it was given to them. I love this man and I’m willing to take the risk that he won’t do the same with me. BUT he is always accusing me for no reason. If I don’t pick up the phone when he calls he freaks out, even though I’ll call minutes later. I dated an NFL player before him, so he’s always asking about the guy even after I told the guy we won’t be seeing each other, now that I have a boyfriend. I care alot about him he does make me happy, but I can’t get it over to him that I’m not like the women from his past. I would never do anything to hurt, it would like me hurting myself. So my question is how do I help heal his wounds from the past so it doesn’t effect our present?
P.S Keep in mind this is a long distance relationship.
Me
November 19th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
this was a great post. you really helped me a lot man. thank you.
Feli
August 19th, 2010 at 2:30 pm
omg I hate jealous boyfriends! My last one ruined our relationship because he kept telling me I was promiscuous. But I wasn’t! He snooped through my phone, diary, and told one of my guy friends to back off, even though I already handled it. I never cheated on him during our whole relationship (1 yr), but his constant accusations killed our relationship.
It was just too draining to re-assure him that I won’t cheat on him. I understand his past gf did, but I certainly didn’t deserve to be punished for it.