Are You “Settling” Before You Even Meet Her?
Friday
Sep 19, 2008
A lot of us, as guys, are telling ourselves we don’t deserve women we ACTUALLY ALREADY DESERVE.
And the results, of course, are disastrous.
It ends up being kind of like one self-fulfilling prophecy after another…which makes perfect sense, when you consider that women FOLLOW OUR LEAD.
Perhaps you’ve heard the saying, “You get what you hope for.” Well sometimes, if not usually, you get what you hope AGAINST also.
As you probably know already, the guys who pick up the phone and call me aren’t often guys who are starting from square one with women.
Some are, and that’s fine also. But they aren’t typical.
Most guys who call me are interested in going from GOOD to GREAT with women. They are sick of “settling” and are ready to move on to having the highest-quality women in their lives.
But invariably, guys I talk to—even the ones who are at square one–are genuinely good men with a lot going for them. That goes whether they have a dating life at the moment or not.
I’ve noticed an odd pattern, though. It’s one that is especially evident when they try online dating—although everything I’m about to cover applies to meeting women elsewhere too, so hang with me here.
The pattern is this: They get rejected…A LOT. And they flat-out cannot understand why even average women are repeatedly blowing them out. We’re talking ZERO success.
After all, they’ve got SO MUCH to offer a woman. What’s up with these chicks? Can’t they see that?
Well, here it is: YES…those women they CAN see that. And that’s EXACTLY the problem.
Here’s what I mean.
For the sake of argument, let’s draw a picture of a quintessentially perfect guy who should have no “limiting beliefs” whatsoever.
Consider a successful professional. Let’s say he’s 35-years-old, in peak physical condition and financially stable. Better yet, he’s got the “Big Four” (masculinity, confidence, ability to provide security and character) in full effect.
But perhaps he’s getting over “Mr. Nice Guy” stuff, or he’s coming off a brutal break-up of a multi-year relationship that has knocked him flat.
For some reason, he’s not enjoying a wildly successful dating life at the moment.
So based on advice he picked up somewhere along the way, he decides to go after some “average” women online to “warm up” his skills…and perhaps build his confidence.
Well, that ends up not happening. In fact, his confidence takes a massive hit instead.
NOBODY responds. NOT ONE WOMAN.
His head spins. Clearly his pictures sucked, his profile wasn’t sharp enough and his first-emails lacked SOMETHING…right?
So he tightens everything up and goes for a second round.
Yet…all he hears in return are pins dropping and crickets chirping.
Dejected, he GIVES UP.
Well, guess what?
His initial self-assessment was 100% correct. He DOES have tons to offer a great woman.
The problem? HE WASN’T GOING AFTER GREAT WOMEN.
Instead, he e-mailed women he considered “average” enough that they were sure to like him.
Well, yeah…ironically enough, they DID like him.
But they probably also were fully INTIMIDATED by him, and were left wondering, “What on Earth does a guy like THAT want with a woman like ME?”
Yep…these are the thoughts that go through some women’s minds.
If you think I’m kidding you should read Emily’s mail sometime. Women who don’t value themselves as highly as they should seriously AVOID writing back the sharpest guys.
They automatically assume ulterior motives…and that’s IF they don’t somehow believe that the guy’s profile (and could that be YOUR PROFILE?) is a fake or a scam.
Raise your hand if YOU have ever actually gone through a “slump” online only to finally get a date and have a woman say, “So, um….when’s the REAL version of you going to jump out from behind a bush? You’re TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.”
If that has happened to you, here’s the deal: You are SETTLING before you even get STARTED. Just like I’m talking about here.
Now listen, this isn’t something to beat yourself up over. The “rejection” you are perceiving could really be a series of backhanded compliments.
No joke.
In fact, I personally suffered through an embarrassingly long stage of it myself.
But the breakthrough came for me when I realized that it was time to TRUST the process I had worked so diligently on. I had spent ENOUGH time learning how to be the kind of man women truly want. I had spent ENOUGH time on figuring out how women think.
It was time to “fly without a net” and actually start approaching the VERY SHARPEST WOMEN out there…online OR offline.
I put my fire suit on, believe me. After all, like most of us, I considered the highest-quality women UNTOUCHABLE.
But here’s the thing…when I started focusing on the women I REALLY FELT I DESERVED, great things started happening.
That’s the breakthrough that resulted in solid response rates online. That’s what really started to “raise the bar” all around.
Why?
Well, simply enough, great women realize they DESERVE a high-quality guy. And when he shows up, they TAKE NOTICE.
And guess what? Time and again I’ve watched guys I know experience a similar breakthrough.
It all started for them when they put their thoughts of having lots to offer a great woman into GEAR, once and for all.
So what’s the deal? Do you suspect you are what a great woman should want, but you aren’t going after great women?
Are you feeling rejected, when in reality you’ve been intimidating “average” women with your above average expectations?
Are your requirements in a woman not backed up by your willingness to swing for the fence in trusting the great ones REALLY ARE waiting for you to approach them?
Have you ever stopped to think that were you to actually get those “average” women to go out with you, NEITHER of you would be happy?
Meanwhile, have you ever considered that the truly sharpest women are often the most likely to go DATELESS?
I told you this article was going to involve yet another CRAZY concept. But it’s not so crazy once you discover how your REALITY changes…if only you’ll put what we’re talking about here into practice.
Be a man. Lead. Deserve what you want. And give those great women the rare, desirable experience in a man that they’ve been craving.
My recommendation is to start doing it today. But just in case you could use a real “wake up call” that puts everything into perspective for you, I’m going to cover that for you next week.
So stay tuned. If you are the one who is now suddenly intimidated by going after the high-quality ones, I’ll be sharing with you the mindset for making it happen.
Author: Scot McKay is a dating coach and the founder of X & Y Communications. You can check out his new program on relationship management called “The Leading Man” 
Comments
PUA Lingo
February 1st, 2009 at 12:05 pm
I’ve noticed this for myself as well. The more attracted I am to a woman, the more she seems attracted to me. Maybe it’s a subcommunication or thing, or even biological, but it’s definitely important not to shoot low when it comes to women. Go after what you want.
Cameron Sharpe
May 30th, 2009 at 6:14 am
These are the good tips in this busy world with hectic work load and stress these is were we can get relief and work out for relationships and find our right partner to live together rest of life. Hey that’s a great idea, in this busy world you can get in touch with your loved ones.