Breaking The Cycle
Friday
Aug 8, 2008
Virginia Satir once said that the most basic human instinct is not toward survival, but toward the familiar. In other words, the thing that we are most likely to do is rarely concerned with our survival (or procreation). It’s just the thing we are most comfortable doing.
People are constantly repeating the same patterns in their lives. Everyone knows the woman who consistently complains about how she always dates jerks – and then she complains about how the new guy she likes is a jerk. People self-sabotage. They get really close to what they want, only to find some way to trip themselves up. This happens because it’s more comfortable for them to stay doing what they have always done.
To dedicate yourself whole-heartedly to something and fail means that you have to see yourself as a failure (at least in that moment). Most people are not strong enough to do that. But, fear of failure is only one side of the coin when it comes to self-sabotage – the other side of the coin is fear of success.
Fear of success is the fear of actually getting what you want and having to de-identify yourself as a guy who is unsuccessful. Most people are very attached to their current situation. They have integrated their reality, and the idea that they could actually get what they want means that they have to kill their attachments to their core identity. They are more comfortable with the idea of struggling than they are with actually becoming successful and having to stop complaining about their lack of success.
Think about it. If you were to become successful, that would upset the delicate balance of your life. If you were to have the level of success with women that you really want – not be some random guy on the internet – your life would change. You would change. If you get a bunch of one night stands then you are going to sleep a lot less. If you get a girlfriend your time on the weekends will stop being your own and you will have to integrate a new person into your life. So, it can be easier and more comfortable for guys just to sabotage themselves subconsciously and continue to struggle.
Some of the ways I see guys sabotage themselves in field is abandoning the interaction early, not getting a woman’s number every time they’ve been talking for over 25 minutes, not trying to move the woman around the venue, not trying to make out with every woman, not calling their numbers and trying to do dates, not pushing to get women back to their place, not qualifying, not hitting on the woman, not going back into groups that were no-gos, etc.
One of the most important things that you can do when it comes to self development is to determine what your specific negative patterns are and start breaking them. If you don’t go out every night – and you don’t have the sex life you want – then you need to start going out. Make an agreement with yourself that you will go out every night until you have the sex life you want. Now going out doesn’t necessarily mean that you are actively trying to pick up women every night. It could mean that you make the choice to go on a date instead of staying home and sleeping or you set up a date off the internet. But the main idea is that you need to try something different.
One of my favorite comedies of the last couple of years was “The 40 Year Old Virgin.” And one of the best game-related quotes I have ever heard in a movie comes when Andy is telling his friend that talking to women in the bar just doesn’t feel right. Jay says “What has felt right for you doesn’t work! You need to try some wrong.”
Sometimes what is right for us and brings us closer to what we actually want will feel wrong and uncomfortable. We have to push through that discomfort and have faith that what we are doing is bringing us closer to who we ultimately want to be.
Once you make the decision that something has to change in your life, break the cycle you are currently in by taking massive action.
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