Grow Your Game

Anyway lets talk today about the convenience that things like cell phones, iPhones and BlackBerrys afford us, there is one major drawback: Our constant attention to them may be putting a serious dent in our love lives. There are so many people who spend virtually all day every day giving their cell phone, iPhone or BlackBerry 100% of their attention. Those people are missing opportunities to meet people every day, and in fact may not be meeting people at all.

These are likely the same people, by the way, from whom I receive emails daily complaining that they never see anyone to meet. The irony is that those people are being honest when they say they don’t see anyone to meet . . . but it’s not because people aren’t there. They are victims of “self cell phone sabotage.”

I don’t want any of you to be sabotaging yourselves from finding great connections all because of your cell phone. So to help you be aware if you unknowingly killing your love life by “self cell phone sabotage,” here are 6 ways your phone may be ruining your dating life:

1. You’re Stopping Them Mid-Approach: You’re in a store where someone is checking you out – someone you’ve also noticed and found attractive. Then that someone decides to approach you, but the minute they take their first step in your direction, your phone rings . . . and you answer it. Not only do you answer it, but you proceed to have the same unimportant repetitive conversation with the friend who called you. By doing this, you have stopped someone who was already interested in you from approaching – and they probably won’t wait around to do it a second time.

2. You’re Totally Programmed: Let’s put you in that same store, and that same person you were attracted to walks right by you and smiles just as you receive a text message on your phone. What do you do? Instead of reacting to what’s going on around you and reciprocating with a smile, you react like Pavlov’s dog to the “ding” of the incoming text and immediately look at your phone to find out who texted you. Not only did you miss that person to whom you WERE attracted smiling at you, but by not acknowledging their smile that person will believe you are not interested and they will walk away (and likely never smile at you again).

3. You’re Never “Here”: You could be out with a group of your friends in a great place filled with people you would want to meet. Instead of being present and talking with the people with whom you’re with physically, you are spending the entire time and devoting 100% of your attention to a full-blown conversation you are having with another friend via text message on your BlackBerry. Meanwhile a man or woman that you may have been interested in comes over and starts talking to your group. You are so involved in your text message conversation that you don’t even notice he or she is there. When you don’t acknowledge that person, they will assume you’re not interested and will walk away.

4. It Never Occurs To You To Look: It’s not that you don’t leave the house. You are in the grocery store, the gym, the book store, the coffee shop, or the dry cleaners EVERY DAY. So when I hear people say that they “never see anyone” to meet, I know immediately that they’re not “seeing” anyone because they’re simply not looking. If people want to meet people so badly why aren’t they looking? Well because they allow you to do virtually everything right from the palm of your hand, many people never stop checking their email, making business calls, doing Internet research and sending text messages. So even though they’re out in public, they miss everything (and everyone) around them. They also never interact with anyone – they don’t look at people, smile at people or flirt with people. It it any wonder they’re not meeting anyone?

5. You Make Your Date A “Third Wheel”: You’ve met someone you think you might really like, and you go out on a date with them. So there you are enjoying their company and feeling like there might be an amazing potential connection. Then the red light on your phone starts flashing or your phone starts vibrating alerting you that a text message has just been received. What do you do? Despite the fact that you’re in the middle of a great date, you just can’t resist picking up your phone to see who sent you that text. When you do this, you immediately turn off the person with whom you’re on the date. Nobody likes having a date interrupted by text messages, and nobody likes to feel that their date’s attention is not focused on them. You’re date will feel like a “third wheel.” You’ve also shown your date that your first priority will always be your phone.

6. You’re Always Available But Never Free: When someone tells me that they don’t get approached, or that they never “see” anyone to meet, I know that most of the time this is because that person does not make themselves available. In the case of people who are glued to their cell phone, their BlackBerry or their iPhone, what is happening is that they are “available” in that they are in places where they can meet people but they aren’t ever free. People won’t approach them, because they always seem busy with whatever they’re doing on their phone. They also won’t ever notice potential opportunities to meet people because they never look up from their phone.

So while I love the flexibility and the convenience that my BlackBerry affords me in being able to conduct so many of my business and personal affairs from ANYWHERE, I want to caution everyone to not let them take over your whole life. By doing so, you may be unknowingly killing your dating life.

Start being conscious about how much time you are spending glued to your phone, and try to avoid behaviors like these. Just think how many people you may have completely missed who wanted to meet YOU. Start paying attention to what’s going on LIVE around you. You won’t believe what (and who) you’ve been missing!

Juicy…

It’s really funny because men don’t need any special reason to check out a woman’s ass . . . let alone women wearing something with the word “juicy” or “belief” written across it.

I was just in the grocery store and saw a woman wearing sweatpants that had the word “juicy” on it, and then saw another one in a different aisle with the word “belief.” Every time I see this, I always think how interesting it is how many women wear things like this.

Women get so annoyed that men check out their asses, but then they go out, buy and wear sweatpants with words like “juicy” on them all but putting a neon arrow pointing to their ass.

I mean, women know we’re curious and they know we don’t like a lot of text at one time. If women really wanted men not checking out their ass, then they would put a whole paragraph on the ass of their pants.

Anyway, I believe in juicy. Really, it’s true that if we’re looking at your ass we already think you’re ass is juicy.

So on to today’s juicy blog…

Let’s talk about sex. Let’s talk about the realities of good sex.

Sex should never get boring. The truth is that if you have good and open communication with your partner about what feels good and what you desire then sex should never get boring.

You and your partner should always be wanting and willing to please each other. So if you combine that with open and honest communication about what you each desire then you are going to have some amazing sex.

Let’s also talk about something else about good sex. Everyone is always talking about new sexual positions. They want something new to do other than 69. They’ll say, “I want to do 77. I want to do 48. I want to do 62.” The bottom line is that there are probably only four or five positions that really feel good to both of you or that allow both of you to orgasm really amazingly.

Let’s go even deeper into this. Let’s say you like five positions. Then let’s say you are really good at certain foreplay things, so that’s ten or fifteen more things you like to do. Finally let’s say there are ten different places in your house that you like to have sex.

There are then more than twenty different ways you can have sex that you both really enjoy. So if the average couple has sex two days a week (which, by the way isn’t enough for me), it is going to take you months to do everything you both like one time before you have to ever repeat things. Plus, by the time you get back to repeating something, it will seem new and exciting again.

Sex should never get boring with the person that you are with, because you should always be coming up with new and fun things to do and really enjoying each other’s bodies. It is amazing when someone knows everything you like. They know how to make you feel good, and they know how to make you orgasm in ways no one else does.

Granted, the newness does wear off. Everybody loves that newness. It is so great, and I love to have, new sex.

If you think about it, though, new sex is actually nerve-racking. When you’re having sex with someone you’ve only slept with once or twice, you don’t know what they like or what they are feeling.

Being with your lover and getting to know them in every which way, however, is the ultimate intimacy. Learning somebody, feeling them, experiencing things with them, and then making love to them, is beautiful. It is a beautiful thing to experience somebody and get to know everything about their body, because just when you think you know everything about their body you find out something new.

Last night my girlfriend and I were out to dinner enjoying a great meal of sushi and Sake. As we’re sitting there having a conversation, the topic of single mothers and deadbeat dads comes up (because I was sharing a story about some people I know).

That reminded me of a woman I dated about fourteen years ago named Denise. I told my girlfriend the story about the time that Denise dropped her kid off at my office, and the kid proceeded to wreak complete havoc.

I said it was at that moment I realized that I could not be in a relationship with her, because I was not ready to take on someone’s kid and to be a dad. No matter how wonderful Denise was, I simply was not in that place in my life.

All of a sudden, and just as I finished that sentence, out of the corner of my eye I notice this woman with crazy eyes at another table peering toward our table. We had not been speaking unusually loudly. We were just speaking in a normal conversational voice to each other.

The woman with the crazy eyes at the other table then said, “Excuse me. Do you mind? This really hits home for me.” I look over there and all I see is a kid sitting at the table with her eating a sundae.

I’m thinking, “This woman is a crazy mother and a nut!” I look at my girlfriend, but I can’t say a word because I unbelievably have this person leaning in, eavesdropping and telling us what we are allowed to talk about with each other across the dinner table.

Now I’m ready to just battle down with this woman, but my girlfriend gives me a cautioning look and says “The kid’s here.” So, we just got up and we left. This woman was out of her mind!

Do you look at another couple like that when you’re out in a restaurant? Let’s say a couple has a date and they’re talking dirty to each other, whispering sweet nothings and having a good time telling each other all the things they want to do to each other later.

Are you going to be the buzz kill in that situation? Are you going to look at them and say “Excuse me. I haven’t been laid in over three years and this is really hitting close to home for me. I’m really tired of masturbating nonstop. So, would you mind not talking to each other like that?”

What about if you’re sitting next to a couple in a restaurant and a man is sharing with his wife what a great day he had at the office. Would you ever look at them and say, “I have a really shitty job. Do you mind not talking about that right now?”

Anyone who is familiar with my work knows that I am all about eavesdropping. I encourage people to join conversations. If you hear a group of people talking about something that interests you, join the conversation and add to it.

You, however, should never join a conversation to kill it. Never put your crazy psycho energy on someone else. Never tell anyone what they should (or should not) talk about in a private conversation.

So what I was talking about privately to my girlfriend hit home for this woman? I am sorry you may have made some bad choices. I am sorry that the man you chose is a deadbeat dad to your daughter. My heart bleeds for you.

You know what, though? You should never ever listen to someone else’s conversation and tell them what they should or shouldn’t say.

This would only happen in California. This woman was crazy.

We actually had a wonderful laugh about it as we left. In fact, the whole way home we kept laughing and wondering what was wrong with that woman.

Why do people feel the need to do things like this? It reminds me of a blog I wrote a long time ago about people like this. Really, what is wrong with some people? Crazy energy. Crazy eyes. Crazy people.

Let’s talk about business partners today. Are any of you in a business relationship where you feel like you want to strangle your partner because they’re not stepping up and doing their share?

A friend of mine is going through a problem like this with his business partner, someone who refuses to actually go to the business but enjoys grabbing her check at the end of the month. The problem is that having to have “that conversation” with a lazy business partner is the worst.

You try so many ways to motivate them. You try speaking their language. The person is great during your conversations and says everything you want to hear . . . as they lie straight to your face and nothing changes.

I had a situation like this back in New York with my first business partner. He and I had a bar called Bar X (28 E. 23rd St.).

After two months in the business together, he decided he wanted to open up another bar. He basically showed up on paycheck day pretending to look at the books and that was it.

I didn’t know what to do, except maybe hire Pussy from The Sopranos to strangle him. Even my Italian garbage man asked if there was anything he could do.

I had to have “the talk” with him, which is really the only thing you can do. “The talk” is the ‘I want you out’ ultimatum talk.

It’s the talk you never want to have with a business partner or a partner in life. You never want to have to sit down with someone with whom you’re not connecting and have to say “I’m not happy,” or “I want you end this,” or “I’m just not getting what I need.”

I don’t care if it’s a lazy business partner or a lazy partner in life. If you tell someone how you feel and what you need and they continually ignore you and take advantage of you, then there is only one thing to do.

The only thing to do is to use serious language and lay it on the line. We all have a threshold, and we can all only be pushed and shoved so far.

Sometimes we do it to people and we really don’t mean to do it. I know in relationships we can be hurting the other person because of things we haven’t worked on with ourselves.

We haven’t gotten to the root of the problem of what is really bothering us. They say that a lot of fights you have in a relationship are actually fights with your inner self and your inner frustration.

When I fight with my girl I’ve started doing this. I’ve learned to look to myself to see which parts of our fights are about me and which are about her, because according to Kristen who works with me I am dating the perfect human being.

The problem with life is that when one person is not as vested as the other, the one who isn’t as vested tends to use manipulation and lies to keep it going. No one wants someone to break up with them (in a business or a personal relationship). In business you want that paycheck, and you’re going to keep lying because you don’t want to lose that money.

Now I do believe that in life you should give someone several chances. I believe in the good of people. If someone does something over and over, however, besides shaking them all you can do is to take a hard line. My business partner back in 1991 pushed me so hard that all I could do was sit down and give it to him straight.

I said to him “I want you out of here. You don’t work hard. You’re fired, and this is what I’m willing to give you.” I kept track of all the times he was in the bar, and gave him exactly what he needed to pay back his uncle. You know, the best part of today’s technology is that you can keep every text and email and have a complete record of this kind of stuff.

Show up for life! If you don’t want to show up, then at least be honest about it.
I don’t care if it’s business or personal.

The worst thing you can do to someone is to lie to them just because you’re not man enough (or woman enough) to show up. Do you want to permanently lose someone’s respect?

Not only that, but if you believe in Karma then you know that everything that comes around goes around. If you do this to someone in business, in your next business you are going to pick a business partner exactly like you and you will have to deal with someone who acts exactly like you are now.

For any of you who are doing this — whether it’s in a business or personal partnership — I have a message for you. Instead of chasing your life going out drinking and pretending everything is fine, look in the mirror and call yourself out on your bullshit.

There is a certain exercise that I have every man and woman I coach do. It is also something that is in both my Men’s And Women’s Audio Mastery Series. It is meant to show them what they usually don’t see, or to show them a misperception they have, about what kind of image they project to the world. It is meant to help them see how others people perceive them.

Do you know what other people think of you? Now I am not talking about caring what other people think of you (since anyone who knows what I teach knows that is NEVER something about which I tell people they should be concerned). The reason to do this is because many people believe they are seen or perceived in certain ways by others that simply aren’t true. It’s often those misperceptions that cause people to lack self-confidence or to fail to take action they should in their dating life.

Here’s how to do this exercise: Ask five people what they think about you. Specifically, ask them to tell you the answers to these four questions: (1) What type of energy do you convey? (2) What type of confidence do you convey? (3) What do you look like? and (4) How do you dress? Again, this is not about conforming yourself to how others think you should be. This exercise is to show you if you are an optical illusion.

Let me give you an example. I have a client named Rob who is a great guy. The other night we were out to dinner having a long talk. If you just met him, you’d say Rob is a confident, great-looking guy with a great image. The truth, though, is that it’s all an optical illusion. He projects these things to everyone who sees him, but deep inside he doesn’t really believe it. This is his fundamental issue. He doesn’t believe that he’s good-looking. Rob is 5’7,” but if you sat with him at a table you’d think he was 6’2.” He has this incredibly large persona.

Rob’s problem is that he doesn’t believe any of these things about himself. Everyone sees all these amazing qualities except for him. Rob is what I call an optical illusion. This is why many men and women come to me for coaching, because what I can do for them is to really work on what’s going on inside of them. It’s great if you can exude great qualities, but if you don’t actually believe that you possess them then other people won’t either.

When you first glance at Rob, you believe it. When you hear him talk, you still believe it. If Rob doesn’t believe it himself, though, he will never be able to really connect with a woman. He won’t be able to approach them, ask for their number or ask them out on a date. To be able to do all these things, he needs to really believe all these things about himself. And those of you who can relate to Rob – those of you who live in a life of optical illusions – you need to do something to make yourself believe it.

If you are an optical illusion, you need to invest your time and money in personal development. You need to invest in YOU. You are your own corporation, and you need to invest in yourself. What are you waiting for to decide today is the day you start to change yourself? If you are an optical illusion, i.e., if everyone thinks that you are confident on the outside but you don’t feel that way about yourself on the inside, then your life is never going to change unless you start doing internal work on yourself.

So here is a suggestion – and a challenge – I have for all of you: I want you to go out there and find out if you are an optical illusion. I want you to ask five friends what they think of you. Ask them those four questions I listed earlier. Find out today if you are an optical illusion. If you are, we really need to get you started doing some inner work on your brain. It won’t change by itself. If it could, you already would have been able to self-motivate and make it happen. Consider this the first step – a little friendly kick in the ass – to getting rid of that optical illusion that you may be conveying to the world.

Public displays of affection are one of my favorite things in the world. If you have chemistry with a person, why should you keep your hands off them? Why should you be so aware of other people?

I’m not talking about you should be gyrating each other in public, making out, making out in the middle of the supermarket, but why not hold someone’s hand, put your arm around them, whisper something in their ear, give them a kiss.

I’m all for that. In supermarkets, it’s great.

Sometimes, I’ll walk through the market with my arm around my girlfriend. I’ll give her a nice little kiss on the lips, and you know what, I don’t care what other people think because people that make determinations like that are basically jealous.

They’re jealous because they don’t have that in their lives. Now granted, I’m not going to grope her. I’m not going to touch her private parts in the market, nor am I going to try to hump her in the middle of the supermarket. As for bars, I believe in bars, anything goes when there’s alcohol in there. People can go and they can gyrate, hump each other, make out like crazy.

That’s a bar atmosphere. But I find that people who are judgmental about PDA or public display of affection, I find them jealous. I find that the jealous people t need more love in their life, need more affection in their life, and really need to be able to comment on things, because they are the types of people that because they don’t have PDA in their lives, they’re the type of people that actually need it the most.

But, I’m all for it. If you’re a couple and you have this great chemistry. I mean, if you can’t keep your hands off of somebody, who doesn’t want that. That’s the relationships we’re all looking for.

We’re all looking where you can’t keep your hands off of somebody, where you don’t want to keep your hands off of somebody, where you just want to be next to them at all times. That’s what really love is all about. That’s what life is all about. That’s my thoughts on PDA.