It’s important as a a dating coach (and especially important as a coach for big brands like The Mystery Method and Love Systems) to constantly be making progress yourself - to keep the saw sharp. I try to read everything I think might have some value to me - I fill notebook after notebook with ideas and things to try.
Slow Burners and Inner Game Confidence
Some things we teach on The Mystery Method bootcamps are ‘fast burners’ and some are ’slow burners’. A fast burner is a piece of advice that a student can use right away - simple, practical, and effective. A slow burner is often a bit deeper, a more profound piece of advice - students will often email me to tell me how something I said to them in a workshop came back to them a month later, and it was the missing piece of the puzzle they’re trying to solve.
Slow burners are normally about confidence and beliefs, or what we call ‘inner game’. Almost all the practical advice we teach is stuff we’ve taken from guys who are supernaturally confident with women, or have certain highly useful beliefs about women and dating. Getting these beliefs and confidence can be a lengthy process, but in the long-run, they’re key.
Essentially they give you the Winners Edge. People who dominate any field are normally only a small amount better than the pack. But the difference in success that they enjoy is huge. You don’t have to become Mystery or Style to enjoy great success - small changes here and there will have a huge impact.
One of the biggest slow-burners in my personal development has been the idea of a ‘Self Concept’, as found in the book Psycho-Cybernetics.
Self Concept and Self Development
Your Self Concept can be defined as: “How much you truly believe that you are capable of doing something”. Not how much you wish you could, not how much you want to believe it, and not how much you pretend to believe it. How much you genuinely believe it.
My Self Concept for brushing my teeth is high, my Self Concept for playing soccer is pretty low. My Self Concept for teaching seminars is high, my Self Concept for beating co-instructors Sheriff and Sinn at drinking games is low.
Your Self Concept is like a homing device in your head - however hard you push against it, you’ll end up back on the same path eventually.
Does your Self Concept contain a belief that you’re lazy? You’ll be able to push yourself to be productive for a few days, but sooner or later, you’ll find yourself back to wasting time. Believe that you’re a fat slob? You’ll be able to get yourself to the gym for a few days, but pretty soon you’ll snap back to reaching for that twinkie.
Your Self Concept contains beliefs on all aspects of your life - it’s like your mental DNA. If you want to change something about yourself, you have to change your Self Concept, otherwise all the willpower in the world won’t make a difference.
And if you truly believe that you don’t deserve women in your life, then all the tips and tricks you learn won’t help in the long run. You’ll meet women, maybe you’ll date them, but sooner or later the guidance system that is The Self Concept will take over again, and you’ll end up driving them away.
Changing Your Self Concept
Guys who come to workshops often leave with a substantially changed set of beliefs about women in their Self Concept.
There are a couple of reasons for this. Firstly, they see an authority figure (like an instructor) do things they didn’t think were possible. They’ll see a previously bitchy and unresponsive girl turn in to putty in the instructor’s hands. They’ll see an instructor wade in to a large group of girls and come away with the hottest one’s phone number or a kiss. What’s more though, as often as not they’ll hear an instructor talk about a time when he was at the level they were at, and his personal changes - they can relate to it. Authority figures play a large role in the formation of our Self Concept.
Secondly, they’ll see a lot of new evidence about how women treat them. We’ll have changed how attractive they come across dramatically, and women will treat them differently - consistently! Repetition and new evidence play a big part in changing the Self Concept.
If you can’t get yourself to a workshop, what can you take from this?
Firstly: surround yourself with guys who are good with women. I have a rule for the people I let in to my life: would I feel comfortable being more like this person? If the answer is no, I don’t want to spend time with them. Seek out people who act how you want to act, and spend time with them - their behaviours and beliefs will help guide you.
Secondly: surround yourself with women. Get in to the habit of bringing attractive women in to your life as FRIENDS. You’ll learn so much about them: about their insecurities and about how they react to men. You’ll meet the super-hot women who just want strong men who are nice to them - and either meet wimps or assholes. You’ll have your reality blown away by some of their attitudes to sex and men in general.
Thirdly: work on your outer game constantly. Go out and meet new people all the time. Get blown out, get sucked in. If you perfect attractive body language, for example, women will start treating you as a more attractive man - and you’ll start to believe, deep inside, that you are. It’s the perfect feedback loop.
Getting Some Perspective
Ever bought a video game (I highly recommend Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus for Gameboy Advance) and start off sucking at it? Did you then look at yourself in the mirror and say “You know, I suck as a person because I can’t get past Level 1″. No. That’d be bullshit, and you’d know it. It even sounds stupid.
You know that if you play the game enough, you’ll get good soon. You don’t believe that you suck at video games (or life) in general, you believe that you need a little more practice, and you’ll probably get better. If the game’s good, and has a happy ending, you’ll keep playing it until you know what all the buttons do and can kick ass.
The important thing is that you don’t let your incompetence in this one area affect your overall Self Concept and Self Value. This allows you to grow rapidly. You don’t care if you succeed or fail - you care about the process. If you got upset and low every time Barbie got eaten by the Trolls you’d find your progress severely retarded.
The easiest way I know to free yourself from this trap? Keep a success journal. Every night you go out, come home, and only write down the positive things. Only write down the things that went well. Developing competence is about finding what works, and then losing all the bad habits about it - but you need to find the way that works first.
The more you focus on your failures, the more you focus on being a failure. The more you focus on your successes, the more you focus on being a success.
