Grow Your Game

Download Paul Janka’s new book Attraction Formula, in it Paul unloads his system for sleeping with 230+ women… and counting!

I made a spreadsheet a couple of weeks ago, because I was curious about dinners.

My buddy Jeff and I have long-since known dinner is the death-knell for getting laid, but I had never taken a statistical look at the stuff. Out of about 30 girls I could think of off the top of my head, I only had sex with 2 or so. Really shitty hit rate. Dinner is a terrible approach if you want to get laid, and I will explain later why. It’s fine in a relationship, or after you’ve had sex, or with a girlfriend, etc., but never initially, and never if your goal is to get the girl naked. On the other hand, drinks at a sexy lounge after 10pm is always the right move.

Lounges are ideal for a number of reasons, and when I look at my hit rate there, it’s significant. Of the roughly 40 girls I’ve brought to my favorite spot on the Upper East Side, about 30 have come home with me and about 25 of those have banged. That’s a much better hit rate than dinner, and yet I am always amazed to walk down the street on a given night, especially Friday night, and see all these eager guys sitting across from a smirking woman. The usual end game there, in my experience, is a fat bill, a bloated stomach, some yawns and a peck on the cheek, with the guy standing foolishly by as the girl steps into a cab waving good-bye. Home to porno.

Why? Because women know how to play the game better than men do. Think about all the time they spend reading dating and relationship magazines, and books – you think they don’t know more about the playing field than men? Come on. The idea for this book has been on my mind for some time, and grew directly out of my experience hustling in New York. I wouldn’t call my game dating, really, because often I just have a single goal. I often meet women I like, and it may develop into something akin to dating, but I still (at 30) enjoy the hustle.

A girl I used to sleep with thought it would be fun to write a relationship and dating book with me but that never got off the ground; another girl (whom I’ve slept with) asked me and some other bachelor friends to write an essay or short piece on bachelorhood in New York. I don’t know if they got around to it; I didn’t. But I’ve always been interesting in gender politics and the battle of the sexes and how to get laid, etc. I come from a divorced home, and was raised mostly by my mother. We are very close and I’m sure that contributed to my fascination with and understanding of women.

Anyhow, I’ve always thought it was interesting but never got around to writing anything. Recently, however, several friends have encouraged me to write a book about getting laid, because I do it well, and it seems to be the one thing that holds my interest, and to which I devote considerable time and effort. They say write what you know. I know how to get laid in Gotham on the cheap.

What I write here is what I’ve found to work and what I do in my own life. None of this material is hypothetical. I just had sex with my 100th women; I should have made a t-shirt for her. I keep a spreadsheet of these girls, just as a record, with an “X” if they let me bang them in the ass. I’m 30, and most of these women have been screwed since I moved to NYC 3 years ago – about 70 of them. That’s more than 20 girls a year, and I had a girlfriend for a spell. Also, although there are some rough ones in there, most of the girls are good-looking (7’s or 8’s) and several are 9’s and 10’s, including 3 super-hot models.

And I don’t have any money.

Download Paul Janka’s new book Attraction Formula, in it Paul unloads his system for bedding 230+ women… and counting!

Read the rest of Paul Janka’s Guide to Getting Laid in NYC (free)

I realized about 8 months ago that my hit rate was skyrocketing. This winter and spring I had some incredible weeks: 4 girls in 5 days; 2 girls in one night, etc. I thought about why things were so plentiful and the answer was: I had a system. I think most guys spend time and money in the wrong place and then get frustrated when they don’t get laid. Or, worse, they find that one girl who they can get the honey from and they stick by her side no matter what, like a puppy. I’ve found that with a system and a deep pool of talent, pussy is really the second most abundant commodity on earth, after water.

The first thing to realize about women, especially the hot women we all gawk at, is that we don’t have their perspective. As guys, you and I might think, “Oh man, she’s so hot. How could I get such a fine chick, etc.” What men don’t realize is that even stunning women are plentiful; they may be a bit more high-maintenance, but they are not in short supply, especially in a metropolitan city like New York. I always imagine a bunch of models or dancers or actresses changing in a locker room. They look around at all the beautiful flesh surrounding them and get a sense of their commodity-nature; they are just one of many.

Keep that image in your mind; women lead men to believe they are unique, but secretly they know they are just one of many like them. In fact, in the world, women outnumber men significantly, something like 51% to 49% for men. That’s statistically quite significant, and there are real evolutionary reasons for that, but who cares right now, and that’s not what will get you laid. Just remember there’s no shortage of pussy.

One good exercise is to pass patio restaurants on a summer night, and notice how many women are eating with other women (especially in NYC). You think they want to be eating with their complaining, whining friend, who is depressed and with whom they have to split the bill? Of course not! They’d jump at the opportunity to be with a guy, so ask them out and then bang the shit out of them! This leads me the first of many insights:

Never let one bitchy or unresponsive girl get to you or affect your outlook.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a cool response or flat rejection from a girl only to approach another girl 2 minutes later and hit it off, and be in the back of a cab getting head 15 minutes later. That’s the beauty of being a man – you can always walk away from a situation that has bad energy. My friend says the single most powerful word in the English language for a man is “Next!”

One of the key characteristics of an effective hustler, and I see it in my friends who play the game the best, is an ability to walk away from a negative situation immediately and brush it off, preparing for the next opportunity.

That leads me to my next point which is:

There are 3 types of girls around: yes, no and maybe girls

Again, the effective hustlers know how to judge the three types and work accordingly. All guys know the “no” girls. They are sticks in the mud, stand-offish, difficult, Princesses. Any guy who has been laid several times knows this type of girl. He probably has a gut instinct that she’s going to be hard to get in the sack. “Yes” girls, by contrast, are flirty, fun, open with body language and game for anything. They allow you to ask them back to your place with ease. The problems are the “maybe” girls, especially if they are hot.

Even after years of practice, I still can get stuck on these types, but as soon as I recognize the direction we’re going I can make the call. The “maybe” girls are where most guys get hung up spending all their money and time, thinking that they will get her. Careful, gentlemen, you are dealing with pros. Even other women will admit how manipulative a woman can be. Don’t assume you’ll wear here down or trick her. It’s better to walk then to throw more energy at these problem girls. So, back to the system.

Prior to recognizing how effective a system for getting laid could be, I would take my opportunities where they presented themselves: poolside at a wedding, on the Chinatown bus between Boston and NYC, in a cab, in Central Park. Don’t get me wrong, there is not a wrong place to take a woman. But if you want to get laid with a minimum of time, energy, hassle, bullshit, and most importantly, cost, then you should work out an effective system.

Think about it. All other business enterprises have a system to deliver a good or service: Starbucks coffee is fresh, hot and strong because of the system and protocol the baristas follow. Any successful business must follow a blueprint if it hopes to achieve significant results; the same applies to shagging women, believe it or not. Do not leave your sex life up to chance – what women often call “romance”. Take charge of it.

So, we have this large market of single men and women. A city like NY is ideal, because it’s concentrated, and there are so many people and the city is sexy and anonymous. By the way, anonymity is key because as a hustler, I try (as I encourage you to) all types of new methods and approaches; some work, some work brilliantly, but alas, some fail and fall flat. In this city, who cares, because chances are you won’t see the person again, and even if you do, by that time you’ll be a confident playboy and who cares what one stupid bitch thinks, anyhow.

So, it’s a market, and there are plenty of girls for everyone. Also, to us they may be hot and sexy, but to themselves and other girls, they are just competition, and have their own un-sexy habits like farting, burping, bad breath, fat thighs etc. Don’t fall for women’s façade. It’s been my experience that women are heavily front-loaded in what they can offer – their value-proposition. She may look fit, sexy and sophisticated, but after you’ve banged her and she’s naked, with mascara running down her face and she’s trying to stuff her thighs into a pair of too small jeans at 2am, you’ll realize she’s just another person trying to get by. Don’t be intimidated!

I have never done online dating.  I can’t recall the last time I was set-up. And after a few retarded episodes with blind dates, I refuse to do that.  All my pulls are in the flesh, and I’m aggressive.  I believe it’s a lot about chemistry, and a privilege of males is that you get to choose.  If you see something you like, go after it.  It is caveman style, but I bet cavemen had pretty good sex lives.  In fact, I’m sure they did, because we’re here.  So, make like Zog and take what you are hungry for.

Women respond to a hungry man, believe me.  Girls often tell me, after we’re lying in bed chatting, that it was in my eyes; that was what turned them on and made them feel pursued.  They knew where things were heading.

There is no wrong place or time to make the approach. I’ve picked up girls on the street, of course, but also the subway, coffee shop, plays, weddings, buses, restaurants, etc.  I’d say that 90% of my game takes place on the street because I walk a lot (also keeps me thin and fit, a must for the hustler) and that’s where the girls are.  When I had a car in Boston 5 years ago, I remember thinking how I wasn’t meeting as many girls; obviously there are no girls to meet in my car!  I was on the “T” less (as the subway is
called in Boston.  Don’t ask.) and therefore wasn’t meeting the college girls going around town. I also wasn’t pounding the pavement.

Another point that is obvious, but guys make this mistake all the time:

Pick-up girls midweek in the middle of the day while they are walking around.

Do not attempt to hustle girls on a weekend night when you are competing with every other Dick. I have two advantages over the average guy in this regard: a) I live in New York; b) I have an unorthodox work schedule.  I am sure that there are systems to get laid in LA (Hugh Hefner probably has the patent) but since that city is sprawling and requires driving, it’s a whole different game.  I’m born and bred in Santa Monica, and lived there till I was 18, so I know a bit of the game.  It seems cliquier to me and because of the car culture, harder
to have contact with the ladies.

Here, in NYC, they flow by like sardines in the ocean. Too bad they don’t make nets. On the second point, it helps that I take a leisurely stroll to get coffee at Starbucks on 66th and Madison every morning around 10 and that I walk to work (my day job is as a SAT tutor) in the afternoon.  These are the hours all the guys are breaking their backs downtown to earn a buck so they can take some broad out on Friday and not-bone, as my friend Adam says.  So it’s too easy midday on the street.  Not many other players around and women (for some reason I’m not clear on) think it’s more innocent if you get their number at 1:15pm on a Tuesday on Lexington Ave., then at some bar Saturday night.

Because it’s also a common pitfall of most guys I’m going to make a point for it, but it should be somewhat obvious:

Trying to get a girls number (or worse, trying to bang her) on a Saturday night at a crowded bar is a loser’s gamble.

Little secret: the hottest ones are the easiest to fuck.  Why?  Because they are most confident, and don’t guard their pussy like it’s their only asset. That’s my true experience.

One revelation I experienced upon moving to New York was sheer exposure to so many single, hot women.  I’ve come to realize that one way women create the illusion of scarcity is by staying at home or only getting done-up and going out on the weekend nights.  For some reason, in other cities in which I’ve lived (Boston, LA, Philly) there would be one or two hotties, here or there, and we’d talk about them for 10 minutes after spotting them.  Here, due to public transportation and the street, I’ve got a much better sense of the market, and I have realized that there are a lot of sexy girls for every guy (not least because our gay compatriots are out of the game.  Hallelujah!)

You’re competing against every other guy, first off. The girl’s ego is ballooning, because if she’s halfway decent looking, and the guys are beer-goggling, then she’s been hit on by a platoon of fools and you know how much women like attention (turns out they’d rather have attention than sex) and if you’re in a city like New York, you have the added competition of the city itself.  By that I mean the myriad things she’d rather do then go to your place and suck your cock.

No matter how suave, clever, funny or good-looking you are, I’m here to tell you that you’ll look rather dull next to New York Fucking City going off on a Saturday night.  So be prepared for a long and tedious battle if you’re trying to get her to your place on a Saturday night; more than likely she’ll only lose interest in the night when she starts to tire, at which point working on you isn’t her focus.  She’s ready for sleep.

Weeknights are different.  As I mentioned, women are creatures who need
attention and they are getting less of it during the week; it’s often said that women cheat as a result of an inattentive husband, whereas men cheat because we can’t control our hormones and libido.  So, the obvious play here is:

Meet girls one-on-one during the week, when there’s likely to be a lull in even the most popular girl’s social calendar.

Nothing is more welcome than a phone call or text message from you when she’s getting nothing from friends, family or other guys, and she’s sitting at home feeling lonely and unwanted.  I’ve found that girls I can’t even get to have a 5 minute conversation on a Saturday night will come all the way uptown to have a drink with a guy they barely know if it’s a quiet Tuesday night.  Play the cycle of the week to your advantage.  Get the numbers during the day and during the week, and arrange the meeting during a weeknight when you will get a women’s full, undivided attention.

Another note about weekends: keep those for your men.  Having lived in the city  for a few years now, and arriving at an age – 30 – when I’m starting to know what I like and what I don’t, and choosing the former, I’ve come to appreciate the value of exclusive time with my men.  My schedule is drinks with girls Sunday night through Wednesday, and often Friday as well because it’s an early night because I work at 8:30 on Saturday morning.  Thursdays, perhaps the best night of the week to go out, I usually go “window shopping” with a buddy, a wingman.  We usually go out to check out the hot scenes and look at the girlies all done-up.  We may meet a couple girls, even get digits or get laid, but the bulk of my work is not accomplished here.  Saturday’s are reserved for dinner with the boys.  I don’t see them all week because everyone works hard in this city, and I enjoy nothing better than grabbing a big meal and relaxing with a good friend or two, perhaps having a stogie afterwards. We may or may not go chasing after dinner, but we’re all cognizant that Saturday is the hardest pull, for the reasons mentioned above.

My advice is to keep one weekend night free to eat with your boys: they’ll keep you sane and stave off loneliness, plus it’s the ideal time to recount stories of the week just passed. So we’ve talked about the when and the where’s of meeting the girls – midweek daytime, in a non-pick-up environment – but what exactly do you do when you see that foxy, confident, almost bitchy women sauntering down the street towards you?

Whatever you’ve heard about not paying compliments to women is bullshit. Women like flattery, they like flirting and sexual tone and many of them appreciate a direct approach. I can’t remember the last time I used a “line”, both because they sound cheesy and are retarded, and also because who has time to remember that shit when a hot chic passes in front of the radar.

Women are animals, just like us, and they sense things from a gut level, as all animals do. Confidence and a sense of urgency are your two allies in this endeavor. The confidence will come as you continue to hone your craft and reap the prodigious benefits of your system. In general, women respond to body language and timing as much, if not more, than the content of what you are saying. You can tell in 2 seconds if she’s interested, and get a good sense if she’s a yes/no/maybe girl.

“Yes” girls will be appreciative, reciprocate your attention, stop what they are doing, give you their attention, and in general enjoy the interaction and the feeling of sexual tension between the two of you. The other “maybe” girls will give you some leeway, but in general will be difficult and you’ll feel the work you’re doing.

My friend Jeff is the master at reeling them in. Persistence is the key here, as is a sense of humor and a feeling that it’s your prerogative to engage these women:

You are never “bothering” a girl by hitting on her. Remember that it’s your duty as a man to engage the opposite sex and initiate contact. Don’t get into thinking you’re being intrusive, she will let you know.

I remember a funny comment this black guy made on a street corner in the city. He was checking out a hot chic as she walked around the corner and I caught him staring. We made eye contact and he says, “I’m just doing my job.” He was, and I appreciated it. I’ve also found other men to be generally admiring and supportive of the pick-up. By that I mean guys understand the rap, and don’t look down on a guy who takes the shot. I’ve tried to rap to a girl in a crowded subway before and she just gave me air and the look away or a few unfriendly one-word replies.

My shtick fell flat, and 5 guys were right there watching. Not a one smirked or laughed; most guys give props for taking the shot. They’ve been there, or appreciate that you went in for the kill.

Back to the “maybe” girls. They are the ones that engage reluctantly and have unwelcoming body language, or keep question the pretext of your meeting: “But I don’t know you?” Also, I’ve gotten the “I’m in a hurry to blah, blah, blah”. You’re in a hurry too, tell them. I guarantee you their time is no more valuable than yours. The “no” girls are unresponsive or snobby, or give you the “Who are you?” look. Walk away immediately. They give off bad energy and can kill an unpracticed guy’s spirit. For some reason these types want to discourage sex and playfulness between the sexes. Brutal. Don’t be afraid to walk away mid-sentence. I’ve literally stopped talking and turned and left in situations where I’m up against a brick wall. You can’t win those, and remember, “Next!”

Regarding the approach, there’s no right way to initiate conversation. The “head on” is decent. Also the side by side, “My, you’re in quite a hurry!” works well. I’ve had tremendous luck with the Two-Step Look Back(TM), in which I make strong, suggestive eye contact and then give a look back a couple of seconds later. If the girl is likewise craning her neck, you’re golden. She’s interested; just wave her over as you get your phone out. You “can’t talk”, though. Remember, you’re late for __________.

Also, a word about nerves or guts. My friend Arefin asked me this little riddle:

“What killed the warrior?”

“I don’t know,” I replied.

“Hesitation,” he said. We were talking about girls.

I’m sure all of us guys, no matter how dashing, suave and successful today, once had real trepidation at the thought of approaching a female stranger and making conversation. First of all, it becomes second nature the more you do it. The benefits of a good rap reinforce the exercise, as well. Also, recognize that you will fall on you face many times, especially if you’re young. But, practice makes perfect, and if you can practice in an anonymous setting like NYC, then there’s no fall-out when you totally bomb. Also, as I’ll say more than once, confidence, body language and appearance are more important than what you say.

Keep in mind that like all people girls, especially hot ones, are moody.  You need the contact information of course, otherwise you can’t pursue her.  However, you don’t need to do anything charming, memorable or “cute” when you first meet her.  The only purpose is to get the digits so you can contact her later.  After that, keep moving.  You have nothing to say to her, anyhow; you’ll just fuck it up.  I’ve found many a reluctant girl is only too happy to see me midweek for a drink.  Remember, their moods will change, dramatically, and often.

So what do you say to these fickle, sensitive beasts?  It doesn’t really matter.  It’s more the timing and body language.  I’ve found that the quick move works best. Walking by a girl, or past a table where she’s eating, whatever, I usually try to make eye contact, and if she notices me, I acknowledge by saying, “I want to say ‘hi’ because I noticed we made eye contact, and this is New York and if you don’t take advantage of moments like these they tend to just pass, blah, blah, etc.”

Or, if there’s no eye contact I stop them and say my standard, “I think you’re cute, but I’m in a rush and late for a meeting.  How ‘bout you give me your number and we’ll grab a drink around here some night.”  That usually works, or at least gets them interested.  The yes/maybe girls will perk up: they know you find them attractive, appreciate that you are confident enough to tell them so in a polite way, and you have a plan – the drink.  That’s all that needs to happen on the initial meeting.  Ideally, you should see her, engage, talk for 45 seconds while you’re entering her digits, and then smile (or wink, if you’re good at it) and rush off to your “meeting”. Don’t run.

If you’re in some situation where you can’t leave immediately, like sitting next to a woman on the subway, etc., wait until you have about 1 minute left with her before striking up conversation.  There’s nothing more awkward than silence between two strangers after they’ve said hello, and even Shakespeare couldn’t be charming for more than a couple of minutes off the bat, so have a planned exit.  In the subway example, get off and switch cars, if you have to.

The less than one-minute engagement works for a number of reasons.  First off all, it prevents the guy from doing anything stupid or awkward, or revealing too much.  A nervous guy can torpedo a promising situation by talking too much and turning the girl off, or freaking her out, perhaps by mentioning he lives at home with his folks, or something like that.  The less talking you do, the better. Women, as well as men, like the fantasy or “romance” of meeting “that guy”, and since almost no guy is ever going to live-up to some bullshit Prince Charming archetype (who wants to, anyhow) at least prolong the fantasy for your benefit.

This leads to the second reason the one-minute engagement works: it maintains the intrigue.  “Who was that dashing stranger I just met in the rain?” she thinks as you walk off with your raincoat trailing and your umbrella extended.  As they are reeling from the encounter, trying to process what just happened and remember the fine details of what you said, and how you looked, and just how you stood, you’re already gone, not there to fuck it up.  They’re hooked.  Their mind is already working on you.

It is important to look good.  Looking your best will improve your hit rate.  In particular, if you’re working the street game, keeping a clean-cut “I have a job and pay my rent” look will work to your benefit.  The wheels in a girl’s head are relentless, and looking responsible and somewhat trustworthy (but not at the expense of sexiness) will counter the “I just met this guy on the street – I don’t even know him!” alarm in her head.

Confidence and experience here can make up for a lot, and it’s true that good situations often arise when we least expect them or are ready for them, so avoid being a slob.  You’ll appreciate later when you’re pulling her panties down and she’s smiling at you.  For all the work they do on themselves – waxing, plucking, gym, diet, clothes, hair, make-up, etc. – the least we can do is shower and brush our teeth.

I have a few preferences and tricks that my running mates share.  One is the scruff factor: in general guys look sexier with a couple days growth.  Job permitting, let it grow. It’s better for your skin, and most women like the look.  With clothes you have many options.

One general rule is that shoes are important; they tell a man’s social class, I’ve heard.  I generally have two looks – downtown and sexy or uptown, successful and slick. Girls respond to both, perhaps for difference reasons.

My downtown look is (and keep in mind this is Manhattan, fashion capital) a pair of Helmut Lang faded jeans, black Kenneth Cole belt, Timberland Chelsea boots (good for winter, too) and a tight-fitting Dolce & Gabbana black t-shirt.

Uptown is a solid blue Zegna spread collar shirt (no tie), navy Armani black-label suit, and Ferragamo Daniely shoes.  Every guy has his particulars; I find these two outfits cover the bases.

My friend Jeff turned me on to this little device that can handle bad-breath – an Oolit tongue scraper.  It’s just a strip of plastic with a serrated edge, but it does get the guck off the tongue, especially in the morning, and especially in the morning after smoking a cigar the night before.  He folds one into his pocket when he goes on dates and does a few scrapes in the bathroom before making out; I keep mine at home.  Use varies, depending on hygiene and self-consciousness level, I suppose.