Grow Your Game

I get so many questions from people asking me about the do’s and don’ts of a first date. While I am generally not a believer in hard and fast rules of dating “etiquette,” there ARE some things you should NEVER say or do on a first date . . . or on a second or third date for that matter either.

Below is a list of things you should never do and a list of things you should never talk about on a first date. Notably, every single one of these are things that were actually emailed to me by people who told me that these happened to them on a first date. Some of these are so good, in fact, I wish I could have made them up.

These are things you should NEVER talk about or say on a first date:
1. “I only wash my sheets every three weeks.”
2. “I’m looking for a woman who is just like my mother.”
3. “I am so broke that I had to borrow money to take you out tonight.”
4. Anything about your bowel movements
5. That you suffer from any form of Irritable Bowel Syndrome
6. The real reasons why your ex cheated on you and how you sucked sexually after two months.
7. How you tell your friends EVERYTHING.
8. Your credit card debt . . . and how you wish you could find someone to help you pay it off.
9. Your seven illegitimate children – wait, oops, you’re not Travis Henry!
10. Your addiction to children’s cough syrup
11. Your daily nighttime masturbation session in front of your computer watching youporn.com
12. How you love the smell of your dog’s paws.
13. Your gambling habit.
14. Your addiction to Internet dating . . . and how you’re always looking for the “bigger better deal.”
15. How everyone in the world has done you wrong
16. The trip you took to Asia . . . and how much you enjoyed the prostitutes there
17. Every ailment you’ve ever had
18. Any negative comment about the person across from whom you are sitting in the restaurant
19. Complaints about anyone you used to date.

These are things you should NEVER do on a first date:
1. Belch at the dinner table
2. Blow your nose into your napkin at the restaurant
3. Let a fart escape too close to the table as you get up . . . and then blame it on the waiter
4. Chew your food with your mouth open, and spit it into your napkin if you don’t like what you’re eating.
5. Get caught by your date masturbating in the restaurant bathroom
6. Hit on the waiter/waitress who is waiting on your table at the restaurant
7. Get up and leave the other person with the check
8. Talk on your cell phone during the date with another woman you’re dating
9. Text your friends a blow-by-blow description of how the date is going.
10. Order the most expensive thing on the menu – remember that this is a first date, not a last meal.
11. Eat six cloves of garlic then go in for a kiss
12. Walk out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to your shoe.

These are just a handful of things you should neither do or talk about on a first date. I probably have a thousand more of these sitting in my inbox . . . I just picked out some of the really good ones.

What are some of your favorite (or most memorable) things you’ve had a first date do or say that made you wonder “Does this person go home to the zoo?!” Share your stories with all of us!

First dates can be, well — kinda awful!

It’s not that you don’t like the girl you’re on the date with, AND it’s not that you don’t want to HAVE the
date at all…

It’s that first dates can feel tense, awkward, pressured, and downright stressful sometimes.

And to tell you the truth … I used to REALLY not have fun on a lot of first dates.

Can you relate to any of this? Have you ever felt like this about first dates?

So what’s going on here?

Well there is something that happens on a large numbers of first dates that really set a first date up for FAILURE (or at least make it as difficult as possible to have a great time)

So now let’s get back to talking about what can really KILL any potential for success on a first date.

What do you usually plan for a first date?

I mean, where do you usually take your dates on a first date?

Hmmm…Let me guess…

Dinner? (and maybe a movie)

Putting aside the issue of this being a total cliché, it’s also about the WORST option you can choosefor a first date.

And here’s why…

Actually, let me ask you a question first. Why on earth would you take someone out for dinner on a first date … unless of course the woman is homeless and she needs a good meal?

To sit across from somebody and watch them chew down food while you tell each other the same stories you’ve told a hundred times is boring!

(It is also a cliché … Well, it is — so I had to say it even though I said I wouldn’t…)

The reason why most of us don’t enjoy dating is because we go out on dinner dates.

Now granted, having dinner with someone is fantastic when you’re with a person whose company you enjoy and with whom you already have some sort of relationship.

There’s one BIG difference though on a first date –

Think about whether this is true or not… (and I’m betting for you, like most of us, it is)

Being forced to sit at a table exchanging resumes with a total stranger is the reason why most of us
don’t like to date, but yet we still conduct dinner dates.

So what are the alternatives to the boring clichéd dinner date?

Now before you get ready for me to bust out a numbered “Top Ten Things To Do Instead Of A Dinner Date” lists, though, it’s NOT …

… because I think we have been ‘top 10 listed’ to death on the Internet.

PLUS…

It’s really time YOU figured out what YOU like to do, and also listened to what the person you’re interested in likes to do, so you can come up with clever dates.

Don’t worry, though, cause I am going to HELP get your thinking started …

… and I am going to give you examples of some of the things I like to do.

By doing that, it will help you so you can make up your own personal list.

***DAVID’S FAVORITE FIRST DATES***

I like to check out new neighborhoods by walking around and checking out the stores. (That’s one of my favorite dates).

I like to do dragio – which is hiking and dragging my lazy dog up the hill. This is a great first date to just talk and enjoy the outdoors.

I enjoy going to art galleries.

I like to walk along the beach.

I enjoy going to fun coffee and tea shops and sampling new teas.

These are some of the things that I enjoy doing. So when I have a first date, I listen to what they like — then what I do is make the date fun.

You do this because, if you think about it, when you do get into a relationship with someone you will not spend every evening exchanging resumes over dinner.

You’re going to be doing things you both enjoy.

By picking something more interesting than dinner for a first date, you are also giving each other fun things to talk about while you’re shopping together…

OR walking on the beach together…

OR going to Target together…

OR doing WHATEVER might be fun for you…

The reason why so many of us don’t like to date is because it is so formal.

Dinner dates are formal and boring. You spend the night evaluating each other, then you come home and you’re evaluating each other some more with your friends.

Activity dates are fun and memory-building.

(And any of you who are familiar with what I teach know how important I believe it is for you to be memorable in life …)

So instead of asking all of you to make a list of 50 great dates, I would like to have you concentrate on thinking of great first date ideas that YOU enjoy…

So now, unless you are dating a homeless woman who really needs to be fed, it’s time to get creative
in your dating!

“Never treat someone like a priority when they treat you like an option.”

I saw this phrase a few weeks ago, and it made me think.  I remember when I was young and just starting out in terms of trying to improve my life with women, when I used to have women cancel or “flake” on dates quite a bit.  This was a big issue for me and for a lot of the other guys I hung out with back then.  Nowadays, I get flaked on very rarely, and I think it all comes down to an attitude shift – changing my attitude towards dates from treating them like priorities, to treating them like options.

Let me explain.

Cool people who have stuff going on in their lives don’t treat dates like priorities.  Beautiful women don’t pull out their blackberries and write “Tenmagnet, 8pm Thursday” into their calendars when I invite them out, and they don’t expect me to do so either.  Even if you’re a really cool guy, and she really likes you, chances are any plans you make together are still options, not priorities.  And that’s fine with me, because I don’t expect to be treated like a priority, and I don’t really even want to be treated like one anyways.

So what is the difference between a priority and an option?  A priority is when you mark a date off in your calendar, cancel your other plans, and start tidying your apartment just in case she comes back to your place.  A priority is when you presume that the date is going to happen in a certain way, at a certain time, and you get fixated on that.  Implicitly, when you treat a date like a priority, you’re presuming that the other person is treating it like a priority too.  And most importantly, when you make something a priority, you get disappointed when the plans change or get canceled.

An option, on the other hand, is much more flexible.  An option is simply the possibility of doing something, with real plans to be decided.  When you have an option open with a woman, there’s no pressure, there are no real plans, there’s just an agreement that you like one another and will hang out as soon as your busy schedules work together.  An option is when you have plans for Thursday, but you call her up on Wednesday and say “let’s grab a pint tonight.”  Options are not real plans, they only become solid plans a few hours before the event, when you call up and say “Hey, it’s Tenmagnet.  You still down for some Vietnamese food in the market?” They are emotionally driven – we will meet up when it feels right, and we will do what we feel like doing at that time. Any plans are really only guidelines for what is going to be an emotionally-driven activity.

The great thing about treating dates as options is that they’re low-pressure, comfortable, and make you look like an easygoing, busy guy who doesn’t care too much about the interaction.  By treating dates like options, you’re preventing the logistics of the situation from interfering with the emotions of the situation.  As long as the emotions are good, as long as she’s attracted to me and wants to meet up with me, then you can be confident that the logistics will work out eventually.

The other thing about options is that they’re easy. Easy come, easy go, easy to reschedule. Because I never treated the option like it was a big deal, I don’t care if she reschedules or cancels. In fact, I usually have several options on any given night (either with women or with friends or other activities) so there are always backup plans.  And of course, everyone I have an option with is treating it like an option too, so I’m not leaving people high and dry.

If you treat a date as a priority, or worse, try and make her treat your date like a priority, you’re going to damage the emotional momentum that is driving her to want to meet up with you.  If you’ve treated the date as a priority, and it doesn’t work out, you’re going to be disappointed.  And if you’re disappointed, chances are it’s going to come out in your voice or in something you say, and all of a sudden, the emotions of the interaction have changed.  Maybe she’ll think you’re lame, or maybe she’ll just feel guilty for bailing on you, but either way, attraction and excitement has been replaced with something else.  Your emotional momentum is lost, and it will be much harder to get her to meet up with you again.

If you try to make her treat your date like a priority, you’re probably going to come across like a tool.  Some so-called gurus advocate calling women out on their flakiness.  That’s a great idea if you don’t care about talking to her again.  Likewise, trying to pressure or guilt a girl into going on a particular date with you is a great way to ruin attraction and ensure she doesn’t answer the phone when you call next.

To quote Magic Bullets, the standard reference book on succeeding with women:

If she cancels or flakes, don’t be upset.  Don’t lecture her…  All that punishing her will do is associate yourself in her mind with negative emotions, and momentarily make her feel badly.  But don’t worry, she’ll feel better when the next guy gives her attention. (Magic Bullets, page 195)

The fact is, unless you have tickets to a specific one-off event or something similar, it’s really lame and needy to expect a woman to treat your casual date plans as a priority.

Treating dates like options can sometimes be a bit of a pain.  Sometimes, you have to wait a week or more between getting a woman’s number and meeting up with her.  You can’t plan really complicated dates, and you often need to have some decent phone game to keep the emotional momentum going in between meetups, but in the end, it’s a much more effective strategy.  Eventually, as long as she’s attracted to you, she will meet up with you in the end.  And the hard-to-get, busy women are usually the most fun anyways.

This is a technique I use whenever I’m trying to get a girl to give me something. It’s useful, as when you’re pushing for a meet, it can sometimes subcommunicate lower value, and build uncomfortable pressure. To solve this problem we use Distractors when you’re pushing to get something from a girl, particularly in phone game and SMS game.

Let’s say your goal is to get her to come out with you. Your average guy will say:

“Hey let’s go out”
“We should hang out”
“Come with me to X”

That’s all fine, except that you need to add a distractor afterwards. This is because no girl wants to say “yes” without adding more to the sentence because it can make her feel uncomfortable (bad comfort game), stop the natural vibe, and put her on the spot to come back with an interesting reply. So instead we want to add something like:

“Hey let’s go out, but you gotta buy me a present, I’m high maintenance”
“We should hang out; I’m busy, so you better have good chat ready”
“Come with me to X, just so you know if you’re friends with me you have to love white wine, otherwise we wouldn’t be able to hang out”

So this takes the pressure off her saying yes, and she can even deny the distractor, and still say “oh no I’m not buying you a present, I’m broke”; she’s pulling back a bit, while stilling agreeing to the real request.

It’s the same way when you say something like “I like you”, it can make a girl uncomfortable, but if you add a release like “too bad you’re such a dork” to it, it becomes easier for her to respond because it’s not so serious or heavy. Remember, we want to stay away from heavy vibes and be playful.

[digg-reddit-me]Last week’s article on Bill ‘The Pimp’ Clinton garnered a whole range of responses. The underlying theme? As “pimpin’” as Billy-boy may be, he’s still married to Hillary Clinton. No-one rushed to describe Ms Lewinsky as their perfect date either, for that matter.

In that article, however, we did promise what we referred to as “a story of wonder and hope involving a short Hungarian man and his quest to bed all of France’s ageing super-models”.

We won’t quite go that far, but Mr Carla Bruni, aka Nicolas Sarkozy (aka The President of France) certainly qualifies in our books as a ladies man. First there was the beautiful former-model Cécilia Ciganer-Albéniz, and now, of course, the quite lovely Carla Bruni.

Sarkozy himself’s no looker, and he tops out at just 5′4. He’s wealthy, but he’s not loaded. So what’s our man offering that’s getting the lovely Ms Bruni biting?

Be Famous and Powerful

France may no longer be the Napoleonic empire-building military colossus it once was, but there’s not many countries that can tell the US to go fuck themselves, and find the worst repurcussion is a change in how they refer to ‘French Fries’ on Capitol Hill.

With Sarkozy as both Glorious Leader of La République, and getting the title of Prince of Andorra that that confers on him (no kidding), he’s pretty high up on the power and status ladders.

“Kissinger told us that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac”, says dating coach Adam Lyons, “and while he’s right, you don’t have to be President or rich to use this to your advantage. Two years ago I decided I didn’t want to be chasing women anymore, I wanted them chasing me. So I went out and started meeting lots of new people, and introducing them all to each other. It created an instant buzz – everyone knew who I was, people were talking about me, and I started getting contacted by night clubs who wanted me to bring crowds. I knew I’d made it when this stunning blonde came up to me on a night out, and told me she’d been trying to meet me for weeks.”

Get Over Your Past

“What made me who I am now is the sum of all the humiliations suffered during childhood” – it’s the kind of statement that’ll stop conversations at polite parties, and get people edging away from you. We’ve all seen Silence of The Lambs, right?

So who are we quoting? The Unabomber? Charles Manson? Michael Jackson? Nope. It’s a Sarkozy original.

“Conveying some vulnerability to girls is a great way to build a connection, and ground who you are”, advises Mr M from Love Systems, “and stories of childhood adversity can be a great way to do this. But here’s the thing: these should be stories of how you overcame difficult situations, and how they made you the great person you are today – steer well clear of that story about how you cry whenever you travel because your father beat you with a globe.”

Be a Snappy Dresser

Named 68th best-dressed man in the world by Vanity Fair, he’s short but he’s sweet. It takes a very special person to commission a paparazzo to take their official Presidential Portrait – the sort of person perhaps who pressurises local gossip magazines to airbrush out their lovehandles (seriously!).

“Some guys really don’t care about looking good and being in style”, according to Brad P, author of The Fashion Bible. “These are the same kinds of guys who burp in public and hardly ever get laid. Women are subtle communicators. They respond best to men who speak their subtle language. Style and grooming require attention to detail. If you can create a style that has nuances and subtleties, women will assume your life has interesting nuances and that you’ll be able to understand her subtle ways of communicating.” Or: dress well to get the ladies, as my mate Dave says.

Live in the Right Neighborhood

Sexy Sarko’s first government position was in Neuilly-sur-Seine. In case you’re not a fluent French speaker, that translates to: “The Beverly Hills of Paris”. Home to Gérard Depardieu (French for “Tom Cruise”) and Jean Reno (French for “That guy from that film ‘Leon’”), it’s been a trendy place to be since the early 1200s.
None of which hurts Nico in the least…

“I live in a box,” says the infamous Paul Janka. “A box in the most expensive neighborhood in the country. The place has one window, no kitchen, a shared bathroom down the hall and a little mini-fridge that sits above incongruous $2000 Armani suits in the closet. And yet, I screw more and better looking girls than all my friends who have infinitely nicer digs.” His secret, apart from the exclusive locale? “I’ve found that women will tolerate most anything, provided the experience is candle-lit.”

Smooth.

1) Learn to spin the truth a little

[digg-me]Clinton’s departing approval rating was 68% – considerably higher than any other US President in history. This from the man who not only sported outrageous hairstyles in his youth and refused to say he got stoned as college kid, but was also the second US President in history to get impeached.

Why? His focus on his public image. As Bob Woodward put it: his presidency was characterized by “perception-oriented campaigning”. Or, more simply, making the most of what you’ve got, and making it look good:

“Emphasize the attractive parts of your personality”, suggests Rokker from The Mystery Method, “and try to convey a specific image. Back when I was a student, and people asked me what I did, I’d tell them what I was doing for fun. Why tell a girl you’re an engineering student or an accountant when your real passion is playing guitar or playing high-stakes poker? Why say you’re an investment banker when in your heart you’re an entrepreneur who’s just working a city job to save up to start your own business that you’re passionate about?

“Demonstrating passion for your life, ambition for the future, and your journey to where you want to be are far better than dull descriptions of where you are right now”.

2) Persistence goes a long way

Clinton’s presidential bid didn’t start off so well at all. After a dramatic defeat in Iowa for the Democratic nomination, some woman turns up who’s claimed to have slept with him. Shocked, I tell you, I was shocked. But rather than accept defeat, Clinton stepped up the offensive, and made a massive comeback.

While dating success isn’t measured in state-wide opinion polls, a little bit of persistence can really pay off.

“As a club promoter, I spend a lot of time watching my female friends get hit on by guys” says Adam Lyons. “With the prettiest girls, they’ll consistently give bitchy reactions to even the coolest and best looking guys who come to talk to them.”

“What separates the men who succeed from the boys who go home alone is that they’re not put off by this. They smile, they keep their composure, and they keep talking. If she’s still bitchy after a minute or two, perhaps it’s time to find someone more approachable – don’t be the pest they can’t get rid of! But the crucial point is the first 30 seconds. Lean back, smile genuinely and keep talking – it’s amazing to watch how girls will open up when they see that your confidence hasn’t been shaken by them.”

3) Romantic dinners are often not a great choice

According to his biography “My Life“, Clinton knew the effect of over-eating on productivity and actively avoided heavy meals before important meetings. This is not an insubstantial impressive feat for someone obligated to attend quite so many official dinners in some stunningly dull company. It was even rumoured that he’d regularly feign food allergies to avoid eating too much at fund-raiser dinner in order to keep himself sharp – people are rarely at their best when their body’s deep in digestion.

Surprising then that guys have been trying to bed women in exactly this way for the best part of fourty years!

“Invert the order of the date: meet, fuck, and then eat, after you’ve worked up an appetite”, suggests Paul Janka, author of How To Get Laid in New York. “When I was in my twenties, new to dating, I used to take women out to eat. Almost to the one, I would end the night befuddled and frustrated. What had started out so well eventually petered out. If a girl eats a big pasta dish with garlic and seafood, and then has dessert, and coffee and gets completely stuffed (remember, you’re paying so they often attempt to gorge themselves on your ticket) and is conscious of her strong food breath, you really think she’s going to let you undress her? Doesn’t she have to take a mean shit? Or fart? Sounds gross, but think about it. This is the most unlikely condition in which she’ll put out.”

4) Be the loveable scamp

That Clinton’s approval rating was at it’s all-time high of 73% in the aftermath of his impeachment trial, tells us something about human nature. People love a charismatic anti-hero much more than a boring do-gooder – think about how few times you’ve heard the phrase “chart-topping Christian rock“.

In fact, people will tend to assume all sorts of positive qualities about people who are warm, friendly, and a good time to be around (as described by Robert Cialdini in his awesome book, Influence: Science and Practice): much of this comes down to being someone who other people can relax around, and vibe with.

According to Tyler Durden, founder of Real Social Dynamics, “people who break the vibe are considered socially unintelligent, and despite being perhaps very good/worthwhile people, they will come across poorly.” Dale Carnegie emphasises the same point in How to Win Friends and Influence People – be agreeable, and you can get away with murder … or at least interesting games involving cigars.

5) Develop a reputation for being discrete…

Not everyone has the misfortune to end up being impeached for lying to their wife and employers about getting a blowjob. But then not everyone is in a position to go on national television to issue such denials, and, worse, be caught out by the presence of an ‘offending garment’.

Many guys, however, make exactly the opposite mistake – they can’t resist boasting about their sexual conquests to everyone they know. Sure it makes you feel like a pimp today, but you need to think more strategically:

“Women want to have fun, and women love to have sex”, admits Johnny Soporno, author of Seductive Reasoning. “There are plenty of women for whom this includes casual sex with guys they already know and can trust. But while society glorifies the men who do this, it vilifies the women who want this same freedom! Women are forced to be very careful of their reputation, and if you’re a loud mouth who can’t keep quiet about who he’s slept with, you’ll find yourself with a blackmark against your name.”

“I did a semester abroad with two natural guys from my college when I was studying”, remembers Mr M from The Mystery Method. “On the first night, both brought home these stunning girls they’d met at a frat party. One spent the next day telling everyone how he’d slept with this girl. The result? No other girls would hook up with him for fear of ruining their reputation. The other guy never told anyone, didn’t even mention it again to us, and denied it the few times I heard people ask him about it. He went on to sleep with the absolute hottest girls on campus, whether they had boyfriends or not – they knew their secret was safe with him”

In Conclusion

History has done Clinton a great disservice for remembering him primarily as President of the United States rather than the Atilla the Hun of free love that he could have been.

Stay tuned for next week’s top tips from President Sarkozy – a story of wonder and hope involving a short Hungarian man and his quest to bed all of France’s ageing super-models…