A lot of men I meet have developed an open hosility towards women. Their resentment and pain always has a source, and I try to reframe their situation so that they can benefit from it instead of wallowing in self-pity and hate. The misogyny that some men display helps no one and will take you down a path of existential misery if you choose to follow it.
Many guys complain that they bought a girl drinks all night and then she left with another guy. They whine about how they took her to one expensive dinner after another, took her out clubbing, shopping, paid off her credit card bill and then she tells them ‘Let’s just be friends’. These guys don’t get their phone calls returned by women consistently and they assume that there must be something wrong with women.
To help them get some perspective I frequently tell them this metaphor to reframe their experiences.
The Fishing Line
I like to go fishing. Every so often I’ll go out to a beautiful, deep freshwater lake where the water is completely clear. You can see right down to the bottom, and the lake is full of spectacular fish. I’ll go there with my simple rod, settle in for a few hours and pull in some really impressive catches!
There are some people who go out to the same place I do hoping to get the same results- only they’ve spent a fortune on the latest gear. They’ve got expensive Teflon rods, LED-augmented lures, pheromonally-scented worms, the whole deal.
They’ll set up about 40 feet away from me and I’ll watch them toss out their lines into the water. Like I said, the water is completely clear so you can watch everything as the fish swim right up to their line, sniff around for a moment and then swim away.
Sometimes you’ll see the fish swim up to their line and nibble on the bait, and as the fish are nibbling, the guys will get really excited, because they can see the fish too. They’ll sit there and watch as the fish nibble until there’s no bait left and then simply swim away.
Sometimes a really beautiful fish will come by and grab their line, and you’ll see the guys get into position as the fish starts to swim away with the hook, only to watch in depression as the fish breaks the line and disappears with their bait.
I’ll watch their frustration and angst, as they go about setting their gear up again, precisely the same way as before - and their angry distress at having exactly the same results - time and again.
When any of these guys are there, I KNOW they’ll have been watching me, as I’m making great pulls with ease, and I can see in their eyes that their stares are filled with daggers. So I’ll go up to these guys, in a friendly and supportive way and ask, ‘Wow, lousy day, huh?’
They’ll reply, hotly: “Oh, those STUPID, EVIL FISH! They’re so manipulative, they’re out to get me, they hate me! They just want my bait, but they know I’ll keep putting more worms out there as long as it looks like I might get lucky!”
The reality is that they’re fish - and they are doing what’s in their nature- and they don’t hate us; but they are certainly wary of us, and cautious around us… because they don’t want to become anyone’s trophy!
So I say to these guys, ‘Hey guys! You’ve got the right equipment; you’ve got the right bait… but you’re not pulling any fish out of this lake?
IN THAT CASE, THE PROBLEM IS YOU! The fish are here! They’ve been biting all day - it’s what you are doing that isn’t working.
Stop looking at the fish like they’re wicked, nasty, evil fish. They aren’t.
They aren’t manipulative, they’re not scandalous - and there’s absolutely no justification to be angry with them.
If you’d been doing things in the way the fish ACTUALLY WANTED, rather than in the ways that you presuppose fish would want, you’d have no-room left in your boat from all the fish!
So take a step back and say ‘Gee, why don’t I see whether or not what I’m doing is the reason I’m not succeeding?’ and stop blaming the objects of your desire for your own inability to pull them in.
May 14th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
hey, dude… all these fishy metaphor are a little bit too much jesus christic, aren’t them?
Anyway, good point: there’s a lot of people whinign about their life without even considering that they’re the responsible for their life.
If the consequences aren’t good, change the causes.