Since starting the game, I’ve never found myself to have that much Approach Anxiety. My desire to succeed in getting good with women outweighted my fear of rejection. But it’s only recently that I’ve understood just how valuable this is.
A lot of attraction is based on what we call value. We all want what we can’t have, we seek girls with higher value. A hot girl isn’t so attractive if she’s slept with everyone, and comes too easily.
This value isn’t a measure of our physical or financial worth though. Being rich doesn’t make you high value automatically. If you’ve got a nice car, but you show it to everyone you meet, you’re seeking validation from them. Thus you feel lower value. If you think you’re low value, why would anyone else think different?
Real value is communicated in your actions, not in your circumstances. You could have a menial task, but if you show that it’s a stepping stone to something huge, and that you’re ambitious and going after what you want, you’ll come across as attractive.
Again: value isn’t communicated by your circumstances, it’s communicated by your actions. What can you do, then, to show this value?
One of the key factors is actually outcome independence, which I’ve realised is fundamental to value. In any given situation, the value of that situation can be viewed differently by any two people.
E.g if a random guy is in a conversation with a hot girl the value could be represented as being:
Conversation value to guy = 20/20
Conversation value to low = 2/20
If someone drags the girl off, she’ll forget the conversation in moments. The guy’s likely to remember it for a lot longer. Now, let’s say the guy’s completely outcome dependant - he’s trying to learn, and any reaction from the girl gives him the same amount of utility.
Most people are at some level concerned about what everyone thinks. So even if our hot girl cares only a tiny bit about the outcome of the conversation, if the guy cares EVEN LESS, she’ll invest in the situation a little to try and make sure she doesn’t lose any value.
But the more she invests, the more the conversation value goes up to her. And if the guy doesn’t give her the validation she’s looking for, she’ll work harder for it. The more she invests, the more she cares.
Guys go in being actively unfriendly to try and emulate this, where in fact, you need to go in neutral. Be nice, but treat her how you’d treat an old man. Completely asexually, while being friendly, and unreactive to her.
This is obviously more easily said than done, but hopefully this’ll give you a focus. When I first started in the game my desire to succeed outweighed any care about how a given interaction when, and consequently I opened everything not with the aim of getting the girl but with the aim of learning what WOULDN’T work. Therefore I was outcome independent. I am beginning to understand just how much this was a key area of my own development.
June 13th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Something I´ve found fundamental in overcoming approach anxiety is breaking the approach inertia. Open a few sets, without caring about the outcome or your delivery (I dont like to call them “warmup sets” as they have to be gamed as regular sets to be effective. Also, opening sets trough the week will give you momentum for the weekend. Open everyone!