Grow Your Game

As a veteran pickup coach, I’ve seen it all…

I’ve seen guys who were short, scrawny, and nerdy-looking walk into a club and leave with the best looking girl in the place.  I’ve seen good-looking, confident guys freeze up when I told them to approach, and then hide from me the rest of the night!

What I want to talk about today are the common mistakes I see when guys approach women.

Those first thirty seconds of conversation with a woman are crucial, and one mistake can ruin your chances of getting anywhere with her.

Now not every approach is going to be perfect – in fact NO approach will ever be, so give up on trying to be perfect.  One thing I always tell guys is that I’m not the most fancy pickup artist, but I do the basics EXTREMELY well.

But what are these basics?

I know how confusing it can be when you read all the material out there – from books, to forum posts, to seminars…

Sometimes I think average guys have it easy because they don’t know how ignorant they are!

Guys who are trying to get better with women often suffer from paralysis of analysis – they have TOO MUCH
information. This can lead to all sorts of problems – the main one being that they don’t take action.

I know how that feels, believe me.  I struggled for a long time with too much information. And then I let it all go, and had to start my journey all over again, learning completely on my own. But you know what? I’m glad I did.

And now I feel it’s not only a great way to make a living, it’s my RESPONSIBILITY to share what I’ve learned with guys who are struggling in this arena. So let me give you a rundown of the 10 most common mistakes I see guys making when they first approach a woman – and this isn’t just students – this applies to regular guys I observe when I go out.

1. He gives her a lame compliment

This is how most guys open – they say something typical, generic, and overly-approving, like

“You’re hot” or “you’re so beautiful” or “you’re fucking hot”

Now don’t get me wrong, I like to be direct, and I like giving women compliments.

But I make it specific, and I talk more about myself and what I think, rather than “what she is.”

For example, “that’s some laugh you got there…I heard you from across the bar.”

2. He does her a favor, like buying her a drink

The most common thing guys do is offer to buy a woman a drink.

The only time I’ll do this is if I’m getting a round for my buddies, and there’s a woman I want to meet close by – I’ll get her one too.

This is fun, social, and is not too approval-seeking, since I’m already spending money on my friends.

Guys will usually do some kind of favor for a woman, like giving up their chair, or buying her a drink, taking a picture of her.

I REFUSE to take pictures, unless I’m in them.

You don’t want to be serving and appeasing her, EVER. Especially in the first 30 seconds.

3. He approaches from a bad angle, or speaking too quietly

These two might seem different, but they are really flip-sides of the same coing:

You are afraid of making your presence felt.

What kind of message do you think that sends to a woman?

The WRONG one – primarily that you lack self-esteem and you probably suck in bed.

Walk right up to her and speak loudly – make her feel you!

4. He has bad eye contact

Some guys really struggle with eye contact, but it’s one of the main things women look for. A man who can look her in the eye and not flinch is essentially saying,

“I’m not afraid of you – I’m interested in you. I am offering something wonderful to you, and I fully intend on
giving it to you if you want it.”

5. He’s drunk and sloppy

There’s kind of a double standard here. Women often get really drunk and sloppy when they go out.

But if a drunk guy approaches them, he’s toaster strudel.  It just looks bad when a man is out of control of himself – and this is exactly the main purpose alcohol serves – to make you lose self-control.

6. He doesn’t own his space

This is a really subtle sticking but a LOT of guys have it. When you stand or sit, you want to own your space, meaning you don’t want to confine your body to accommodate others. Acquiescing to others physically is a
sure-fire way to show a woman that you  are scared, weak, and insecure.

You don’t have to sit with your arms spread out, or stand like a military sergeant.

You should be physically comfortable, and not hold your body in to accommodate other people – especially other guys.

7. He stalls out because he’s trying to say the right thing

This is HUGE – the most common mistake guys make. I harp on this in just about every newsletter, but I can’t say it enough…

Women are screening for one thing – are you trying to say the right thing to GET something from her?

They can tell so easily, because it’s the main thing they are looking for. And guess what – this focus does NOT serve you. Not only does it make you look like you’re trying to get something (sex) from her, it also stops your mind from flowing.

Here’s why.

You can’t ever guess what another person is thinking. So when you try to say the right thing, you’re second-guessing what that person wants to hear.

It’s almost always impossible, and will only stump you.

Stop trying to be smooth and say the right thing!

8. He doesn’t address her friends

A woman’s friends take top priority, at first.  Woman usually have lots of very fickle, short-lived friendships.

One second they’ll declare “this is my GIRL! I LOVE her!”

The next day,  it’s “oh my god she’s such a bitch, I’m over it.”

But in front of a guy she’s just met, she has to put her friends first. And if you try to talk to her without at
least acknowledging her friends and being friendly to them, you’ll look anti-social, and uncalibrated.

The whole thing will be awkward, and her friends will most likely drag her away.

9. He asks for her number too soon

A lot of times, guys will want to eject from the conversation because they don’t what else to talk about.

So they will just go for the number before it’s really appropriate.  I think of a phone number as a reward I GIVE TO HER.

If she impresses me, I’ll decide that I like her enough to give her a call.

But you have to give her time to impress you – at least get her to express herself in some way that you can approve her for.

There’s one more piece here…

Don’t walk off right after she gives you her number – it makes you look like a player.

Talk about something you could do together, or just shoot the shit a little longer, then go back to your friends, or leave the venue.

10. He doesn’t touch her

What do you want with this woman?  A sexual relationship!

So move in that direction from the VERY START. I cannot stress this point enough.  Most guys who end up in the “Friend Zone” do so because they had FEAR of escalation and “played it safe”

It doesn’t mean that you need to take big risks, in fact, the DiCarlo Escalation Ladder shows you how to escalate in a smooth, safe manner…

…meanwhile making solid progress in your physical escalation.

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Author:  Vin Di Carlo is the world's premier dating coach and trainer of professional pick-up artists. His provocative, controversial and chillingly effective methods cut directly to the core of social interactions between men and women. He draws on his scientific and analytical background and combines it with his vast real-life experience with women in order to transform his clients, enriching and motivating men across the globe.

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